Soviet Russia Jokes

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

In Soviet Russia, tired joke format tweets YOU.

In Soviet Russia... You are in charge of Charles. (h/t Wife)

In Soviet Russia, Comrade Wolf is going through his kill list. Comrade Goat approaches him, *""Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?""* **""Yes.""** *""Give me one day to bid farewell to my family""*, Comrade Goat pleads. ***""Okay""***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Goat after a day. . The next day, Comrade Ox approaches him, *""Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?""* ***""Yes.""*** *""Let me sort out my affairs. Please kill me tomorrow""*, Comrade Ox begs. ***""Okay""***, says Comrade…

In Soviet Russia, a man is standing in a line to buy sausages... He says: ""That's impossible to stand for so long! I'm going to go and kill Stalin!"". After an hour, he goes back. People asked him: ""Did you kill Stalin?"". He answered: ""No, the line to kill Stalin was just longer""

In Soviet Russia, people are waiting in line for meat. The butcher pokes his head out and says, ""Comrades, the truck will be here shortly, please be patient."" An hour later, ""Comrades, the truck broke down and had to unload some meat. All Jews are requested to leave."" The Jews grudgingly leave the line. Another hour later, ""Comrades, the truck broke down again. All Ukranians have to leave."" Another two hours later, ""Comrades, the truck broke down again. Non-Russians please leave."" Anothe…

An architect was exploring Asia When he found himself lost, he asked a stranger where he was. The stranger replied ""Soviet Russia"". The architect thanks her and journey to the next archeological site. He is in a cave, looking for early human marks, when all of a sudden, he sees a round thing with a timer. He realized its a bomb and is almost at the peak of his discovery. He panics, it he remembered how to disarm the bomb. He does what he was told to when he learned it before. He sighs a sigh o…

In Soviet Russia, no one make comments on r/jokes Because in Soviet Russia, real comment is always in joke

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car... He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds: 'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?' The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car. So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner, 'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?' 'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?' 'The plumber is coming in the morning'.

It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo. The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, ""Do you have protection?"", but it's too late. Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents. They ask how it's possible. ""It's an accident!"" she swears. Her father goes and finds Sergey …

A Russian is digging around an old battlefield. He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if there might be something inside the smooth shell, so he takes it in both hands and pulls with all his might... Suddenly there is a blinding flash and a deaf…

My uncle spoke of his time in Soviet Russia back in the day He said there were only 2 channels on TV. He said Channel 1 was propaganda, and channel 2 was a KGB pointing a Kalashnikov at the screen saying ""Turn back to channel 1!""

A Yakov Smirnoff joke from the 80's In America you have many channel. In Soviet Russia vee only have 2 channel: KGB1 and KGB2. KGB1 is station vith KGB agent say all day how great is Mother Russia. KGB2 is station vith KGB agent say ""TURN BACK TO KGB1!""

How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? In Soviet Russia, lightbulb screws YOU!

In Soviet Russia... ...end of joke is when line punches *you*.

In America, you support the government In Soviet Russia, the government supports you!

One day in Soviet Russia, an officer is ordered to give a ticket to anyone speeding Mikhail Gorbachev comes driving into Russia after a meeting in belgrade, he is with his chauffeur and must get to the Kremlin as fast as possible. He tells his chauffeur to get to the back and that he will drive. As Gorbachev is speeding, the officer sees the speeding car and pulls him over. At the end of the day he is asked why he didn't give a ticket to that speeding car. The officer replies with, ""I couldn't …

Back in Soviet Russia, a man walks into a shop and asks, ""You wouldn't happen to have fish, would you?"" The shop assistant replies, ""You've got it wrong ours is a butcher's shop: we wouldn't happen to have meat. You're looking for the fish shop across the road. There they wouldn't happen to have fish!""

In Soviet Russia... Joke kills you.

Ronald Reagan's favorite joke A woman in Soviet Russia was at the car dealer buying a car. When she settled on what she wanted they started taking about delivery date. The sales person proposed a date two years away. The woman said that wouldn't work because the plumber was coming that day.

Nobody told jokes in the USSR... Because in Soviet Russia, jokes tell you.

Soviet Russia In Soviet Russia you no criticize government, government criticize you

A Jew in Soviet Russia One day, an elderly Jew in Soviet Russia breaks out a holy book and begins reading it aloud to himself in Hebrew. A Soviet officer takes notice of this and with an aggressive voice goes, ""Insufferable Jew! What exactly do you think you're doing?"" to which the old Jewish man responds, ""Your excellence, I'm just practicing my Hebrew."" ""And why exactly would you be doing that?"" ""Why your excellence, Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven!"" ""Arrogant Jew, what ma…

Trying to buy things in Soviet Russia. (not my own creation, just ran into them and I think they should be told a lot) There was this old grandfather in Moscow who was a little confused. His neighbors knew that, so when they saw him standing outside his door with an empty shopping bag, they tried to help: ""Grandpa, what are you doing?"" ""Ah, sorry, I forgot. Do you know if I'm going out shopping or have I already returned?"" They could tell him that he wasn't away yet, so he went to see if the…

A couple walked home on Christmas Eve in Soviet Russia when the weather turned bad The wife said, ""it's snowing!"" ""No dear, it's raining,"" replied the husband. They argued this as they walked until they came across a guard. After learning his name they asked, ""Comrade Rudolph, is this snow or rain?"" ""It's rain,"" he replied. ""See,"" said the husband, ""Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!""