Soviet Russia Jokes

Watson and Sherlock Are flying in an air balloon. After 2 hours of flight they get disoriented and decide to land the balloon and ask some people around them. When they land a man comes up to them and says with a clear accent: ""That's a fine balloon you got there, but I can see the fuel you used isn't standard"". After a few seconds Holmes said: ""Ok, Watson, everything is clear now, we're in Soviet Russia"". ""But how, Holmes?"" asks Watson. ""Elementary, Watson, you see, this fuel was made by…

In Soviet Russia... TV watches you. With much apologies to Yakov Smirnoff (who rarely told them). Please to bring on Russian Reversal jokes in comments.

In Soviet Russia, The LSD take you.

In America, people rob banks ... In Soviet Russia, Banks rob you ! :)

Little Shop of Horrors should have taken place in Russia. Because in Soviet Russia plant eats you!

In Soviet Russia... Light turns you on...

In Soviet Russia, Romans do as we do.

Meanwhile in Soviet Russia... A bar walks into a horse.

In America, the army has read lots of news... In Soviet Russia, the news has lots of Red Army.

The parrot and the KGB One day in Soviet Russia, a parrot flies over a village squawking loudly: 'The Soviet Union is shit! Death to the Communist Party!'. The KGB is rapidly informed, and they start to investigate who owns a parrot in the area. They find out that there is only one parrot owner in the area, so they go and knock on his door. KGB agents: Hi, do you own a parrot? Man: Yes I do. KGB agents: Could we see it? Man: Certainly, please come in. They walk in and follow the man to the kitch…

What's the best Russian Reversal joke you know? A few of my favourites.... * In Soviet Russia, Google searches you * In Soviet Russia, sentence finishes you * In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drives you * In Soviet Russia, lazy dog jumps over quick brown fox * In Soviet Russia, fetus aborts you. * Roses are red, Violets are blue, In Soviet Russia, Poems write YOU * in soviet Russia, chuck Norris still kills you

In Soviet Russia ... the Government owns the Corporations.

A Soviet Russian food collector and a farmer A Soviet official in charge of collecting food from farms goes to a local farm and is greatly warmly by the farmer. After some light hearted conversation, the official says, ""Anyways, I am here to collect the potatoes you have grown."" The farmer replies, ""Oh, yes. This has been a marvelous year. We have grown so many potatoes, that if we put them all into a pile, it would reach the foot of God."" The official replies, ""That is ridiculous. You know…

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia... ...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written ""The government is run by idiots!"". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, ""Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?"".

Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War? Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!

Back in Soviet Russia... ...there was a man working at a Siberian coal mine. Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home. Every time he did this the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables. The security guard always found nothing so he would reluctantly let the man reload the dirt and go home. This goes on for 25 years until the man finally retired. On his last day the the bewildered security guar…

Russian Car Joke [This thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1sv7r1/old_russian_joke/) reminded me of this joke I'd heard years ago: We're in Soviet Russia in the early 80's and Vladimir has been hoarding his spare rubles for years and years in order to be able to purchase a car. The big day finally arrives; he's finally saved up enough. He goes to the Ministry of Motor Vehicles and after waiting in line for 5 hours, he is finally face-to-face with a bureaucrat and Vladimir proudly an…

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.' Misha listens with bright eyes. 'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.' Little Misha opens his eyes even wider. 'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.' Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling: 'I want to go to the USSR!'

Roses are red, violets are blue In Soviet Russia Poem writes you

An American spy goes to Soviet Russia. An American spy is in Soviet Russia. He is digging up information on a powerful Russian politician, and is pretending to be a Russian. He finds the politician in a bar, and walks in, dressed in Russian attire. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink, and walks to the politician. "Greetings, comrade", says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy". The spy is ala…

In Soviet Russia. Everyone's standing in line for bread, waiting for hours. Finally a baker comes out and says "Comrades! Unfortunately we won't have enough bread for everybody. Will everyone who's Jewish please leave the line?" A few people leave. After an hour, he comes out and says "Comrades! We still won't have enough bread, will everyone who didn't fight in the Great Patriotic War please leave the line?" A larger number of people leave the line. After another hour, the baker comes ou…

In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government. *Insert edgy quotes

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia. The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep, however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks …

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in... George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian. The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center. "Co…

Three men are in prison in Soviet Russia... ... And they start explaining how they wound up in prison. The first man says, "I was five minutes late to work, so I was arrested for sabotaging Soviet productivity." The second man says, "I was five minutes early so I was arrested for espionage, spying on Russian industrial secrets." The third man says, "I was exactly on time to work, so I was arrested for owning a foreign made watch."