Putins Jokes

Classic jokes modified to Donald Trump and Putin One day while walking through the countryside the President of Russia discovered an old lamp. He started to polish it and out came a genie who told him that for freeing him from the lamp he would grant him one wish. Putin thought for a minute before declaring, ""I am a poor simple man with simple needs, therefore I wish that Putin pee vodka!"" The Genie exclaimed that Putin's wish was granted and disappeared in a poof of smoke. Putin runs home and…

Trump and Putin decide theyre going to decide WW3 with a Dog Fight So they agree on coming back in a couple of years after training a dog for the occasion and rather than wasting millions of human lives and countless dollars they agree that the winner of the dog fight is the offical winner of WW3. Some time passes and they meet up again. Putin shows up with a mean looking Russian Shepard all muscle and just foaming with rage and hatred. Trump walks in with a long cage and opens it to reveal a 7f…

How do you know Putin's doing well this election? He's taking over the Poles.

bear hug Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: ""Ivan, jump!"" Sobbing, Ivan says: ""Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home..."" Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away. Next, it's Kim Jong Il's tur…

North Korea Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: ""Ivan, jump!"" Sobbing, Ivan says: ""Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home..."" Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away. Next, it's Kim Jong Il's …

Putin's message to tourists: Visit Istanbul While he still exists...

The french minister of transport receive his counterpart from Uganda ... After the offical things, he invite him to his place, outside of Paris. The Ugandan minister is astonished, as the place is a well restored and luxurious XVI century castle. He then ask : - But, how did you pay for that ? I thought you came from a poor family. - Come at the window, says the French. Do you see the highway over there ? - Yes ... - Well, it was billed for 1 billion. But the real cost was only 700 millions. - O…

Putin wake up! A few days ago, Putin's aids were having trouble getting him out of bed: ""Putin wake up! Wake up! You'll be late for your meeting"" Putin mumbles... Another aid says""Putin you must get up now to prepare yourself! "" Still no response from him... ""Putin wake up"" says another aid, ""someone's killed nemtsov!"" Putin suddenly bolts out of bed, ""shit! It's 10:30 already???""

Did you hear about the mishap at the Asia Summit? The Chinese government is seeking answers after the recent Beijing Conference. Apparently, several of Obama's and Putin's private bodyguards were the last to use one of the royal toilets before it was reported clogged. Obama announced that he will ask congress to create a commission to investigate the incident while Putin denies that his forces ever entered the bathroom.

Vladimir Putin's Anthem Q. What is Russia's current Anthem? A. ""Putin on the Blitz""

""Putin's Assassination Attempt On Bob Costas Fails, Matt Lauer Next Target"" (Faux Onion headline. Follow on twitter @gizopizo)

Vladmir Putin learns from Obama On his official visit to Washington, DC, Obama shows Putin around the White House. Putin is very impressed by the grandiose building. He can't stop staring at the decorated ceiling and the meticulously carved walls. He asks Obama "Tell me Mr. President, how do you have such a huge house, isn't the economy in depression?" Obama takes Putin to a massive glass window, points at something and asks him "It's very simple Mr. President, do you see that bridge over th…

Stalin appears in Putin's dream... Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

Russian Election One of Putin's ministers come to see him. "Sir, I have good news and bad news." Putin sighed and said, "tell me the bad news." "The bad news is that no-one voted for you in the election." Putin stood, his face flushed with anger. "Well, what's the good news?" The minister cowered before answering, "you won anyway!"

Vladimir Putin is riding around in his chauffeured Mercedes in Donbas... ... when a pig suddenly bursts out of the underbrush, runs in front of the car, and is immediately killed. Putin spots a farmhouse in the distance and tells his driver to go there and tell the people there what happened. The car drives up to the house, the driver knocks on the door and goes inside, while Putin waits in the car. A variety of loud noises come from the house, and an hour later, the driver comes out, thorou…

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes. Three days later he asks for a report. The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement and been executed. However, sir we have not found the thief." Putin became enraged and said, "You lazy men! You call that progress? Only twelve men. Go back out and seek fo…

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway. "Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway." "Yes, sir!" Andreyev marched into the hallway. "Sergeant, behind that door is President Putin. He is alone and undefended. On the table is a gun. You are to shoot him and …

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack and falls into a coma... ... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard. He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appearance. After wandering around for a bit, he stumbles into the nearest bar. He sits down at the bar and orders a full glass of vodka. He sips…

Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning. “Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary. Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelenskyy." The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."

Putin's inner circle is trying to hide the news that the war isn't going well in parts of Ukraine from him... They have a very strict Donetsk-don't-tell policy.

An American and a Russian were arguing about the differences in their countries. The American says: Listen in my country i can walk into the oval office and i can hit the desk with my fist and say “ President Biden I do not like the way you’re governing our country” The Russian says: i can do that. The American says: what how? The Russian says: i can go straight into the kremlin go to the president’s office and i can pound my fist on Putin’s desk and say “ Mr. president i do not like the w…

Despite Putin's recent crackdowns a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia.

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%... The other 20% are missing.

Why don't Melania and Donald Trump sleep in the same bed? She was tired of Putin's snoring.

What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song? Crimea River...