Queen Elizabeth Jokes

Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne. I assume it was something she ate.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates. St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself. St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest. St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.

Dad, is Santa real? There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has a…

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin make phone calls George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished th…

Why are fire trucks red? Fire trucks have 12 wheels. There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. ""Queen Elizabeth"" was also the name of a ship. Ships sail the sea. In the seas are fish, and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians in the Winter War. The Russians are sometimes called the Reds, and since fire trucks are always rushin they're red!

Why are fire trucks red? ""Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always ""Russian"" around, so that's why fire trucks are red!""

""I know everybody!"" Bob and Jeff are talking amongst themselves, when Bob says ""I know every single person in the world."" Jeff says ""That's not possible! There's no way you can know everybody in the world."" ""Okay,"" Bob replies with a smug look, ""I'll prove it. Let's go see my friend Bill Gates."" With that, they hop in a plane and fly to Medina, Washington and drive to Bill Gates' house. When they arrive at the front gate, a little screen activates and Bill's face shows up on the screen…

The Queen Elizabeth doesn't have one. The Pope has one, yet he does not use it. Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big, and Brad Pitt's is small. What am I talking about? A last name, you pervs.

Why are fire engines red? 2+2=4. 4x3=12. 12 inches make a ruler. A famous ruler is Queen Elizabeth. The Queen Elizabeth sails the ocean. The ocean is full of fish. The fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. The Russians are red. So that's why fire engines are red, because they're always rushin'!

my black friend just got denied an interview for a job. they told him straight up they wouldn't hire a black man. I said in disbelief, ""which company was that? we must report them!"" he replied, ""It was an audition for the role of Queen Elizabeth""

Why Are Firetrucks Red? Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 men. 4 + 8 = 12 There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas. Fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag. And that's why they're red. Cause they're always *russian* around.

Local Call George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,…

A bit of a Republican joke George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 …

The cast of ""Game of Thrones"" had a very special visitor Queen Elizabeth. A lot of the Royals on ""Game of Thrones"" get offed. It leads me to believe this visit was arranged by Prince Charles.

Queen Elizabeth is planning to visit the set of ""Game of Thrones"" next week. She said things are hard to keep track of because everyone keeps dying. And then Prince Charles said, ""Not everyone.""

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to w…

10. ""Clocks are five hours fast"" 9. ""Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language"" 8. ""Harry Potter won't return phone calls"" 7. ""So touchy about minor things...like going to war under false pretenses"" 6. ""They don't know where Saddam is either"" 5. ""Queen Elizabeth not half as funny as 'King of Queens'"" 4. ""Disappointed to learn 'Big Ben' is just a giant clock"" 3. ""Pack a gum costs 2 pounds -- who carries two pounds of money?!"" 2. ""I've been here for 36 hours and Prince Char…

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said ""Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."" The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, ""Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to b…

What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne ? Sat down !

The Queen of England dies and goes to heaven. Naturally, she spends her first few hours there catching up with all of her dead friends and family members. Eventually, she sees Princess Diana, and they start chatting, but Queen Elizabeth is clearly distracted. Eventually, she finally asks, "Diana, dear, why is it that nobody else here has a halo except for you?" A furious Diana responds, "That's a steering wheel, bitch!"

Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate. The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) and other non-Christ…

Why are fire engines red? Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always “Russian" around, so that's why fire trucks are red! Edit: [the jig is up!](h…

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Kim Jung il are entering the gates of hell Obama sees that there is a phone at the Devils office and asks him if he could use it to make one last call to his family. The devil says its ok and Obama makes the call. He spoke for 10 minutes and the devil then said it cost 1 million dollars because it was a long distance call. Obama obviously didn't have a choice so he payed up and then entered the gates of hell. Queen Elizabeth then said she wanted to make a call and th…

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabe Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm…

QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God…