Den Jokes

The Philosophical Defense Mechanism The leopard crouches to pounce the gazelle. The gazelle says, ""Are you sure you want to eat me?"" Leopard pauses. ""Uh, why wouldn't i?"" ""Well, I mean, is this what you want to be doing with your life? Do you see yourself doing this in five years?"" ""What do you mean? if I eat you now, you won't be here in five years."" says the leopard. The gazelle shrugs. ""Don't you have goals? Aspirations? Eating Gazelle' is setting the bar pretty minimally. Don't you …

Talking clock While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. ""What is the big brass gong and hammer for?"" one of his friends asked. ""That is the talking clock,"" the man replied. ""How's it work?"" ""Watch,"" the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, ""Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!""

A rabbit enters a bakery ... ... ""D'you had 100 pieces of buns?"" ""No we don't have that many,"" answers the baker. On the next day, the rabbit comes to the bakery again. ""D'you had 100 pieces of buns today?"" ""I'm sorry, no, we still don't have that many,"" the baker says. On the third day the baker is prepared when the rabbit enters and asks, ""Hello, d'you had 100 pieces of buns today?"" He answers: ""Yes, today we have that many!"" So the rabbit says: ""Den I'll take two!"" *Some histori…

By the time you read through this you will understand ""TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"". The following is a telephonic exchange between a Hotel guest & room-service in China ... Room Service: ""Morrin. Roon sirbees."" Guest: ""Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."" Room Service: ""Rye, Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"" Guest: ""Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."" Room Service: ""Ow ulai den?"" Guest: "" .......What?"" Room Service: ""Ow ulai den?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?…

Cajun good news and bad news Thibodaux walks up to Boudreaux and says, ""Boudreaux, I've got some good news and some bad news; which do you want to hear first?"" Ol Boudreaux replies, ""Told me the bad news, den the good news cheer me up!"" ""Well git holt of yourself; we found your wife, dead, floating down the bayou."" ""Oh my ya!"" Boudreaux cries. ""Das horrible!!! What could possibly be de good news????"" Thibodaux replies, ""Well, when we pulled her out the bayou, we found 4 or 8 blue crab…

Hadji becomes ill... Hadji is new to America, and after a few months, he becomes very ill. He visits several doctors, but none are able to help him. Finally, he finds a doctor from his homeland. The doctor says, ""Take dis bucket, go home. Piss in de bucket. Den turn around and shit in de bucket. After dat, lean down, put your head over de bucket, and breathe deeply for an hour."" Confused, but so miserable that he'll try anything, Hadji goes home and follows the instructions. Sure enough, he fe…

Tanjoo Berry Mutts Here goes... The following is a telephonic exchange between a Hotel guest & room-service in China ... Room Service: ""Morrin. Roon sirbees."" Guest: ""Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."" Room Service: ""Rye, Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"" Guest: ""Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."" Room Service: ""Ow ulai den?"" Guest: "" .......What?"" Room Service: ""Ow ulai den?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"" Guest: ""Oh, the eggs! How do I like them…

The Medicrane Once upon a time, there was a small village of not-so-bright people. The village was terrorized by an evil monster known as the Medicrane. Every few days, the Medicrane would lumber into town, muttering under his breath ""Medicrane... Medicrane..."", and snatch one of the villagers and take them to his den. After a while of living in abject terror, the villagers went to the village Wise Guy (who was actually still of slightly sub-par intellect) to ask for a solution to their proble…

An Irish man goes to the doctor... An Irish man goes to the Doctor... ""Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot"". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. ""Incredible"" he says, ""there is a 20 note lodged up here."" Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 note appears. ""This is amazing!"" exclaims the Doctor. ""What do you want me to do?"" ""Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls…

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? A…

Ahmed came to the United States from Iraq, and was here only a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, ""Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."" Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fu…

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, ""Who is this?"" ""This is the maid."", answered the woman. ""We don't have a maid!"" ""I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."" ""Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"" ""Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."" The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, ""Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"" ""What do I have to do?"" ""I want you to get my gun fr…

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment. Please don't drive when you're not driving. Don't feel compelled to …

Who went into a witche's den and came out alive ? The witch !

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends a college student led the way into the den. ""What is the big brass gong and hammer for?"" one of his friends asked. ""That is the talking clock"" the man replied. ""How's it work?"" the friend asked. ""Watch"" the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall ""KNOCK IT OFF YOU JERK! It's two AM!""

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first Marine he met ""Do you want to go to heaven?"" The Marine said ""I do Father."" The priest said ""Leave this pub right now!"" He then approached a second Marine. ""Do you want to got to heaven?"" ""Certainly Father"" was the Marine's reply. ""Then leave this den of Satan!"" said the priest. Father Murphy then walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked ""Do you want to go to heaven?"" The SgtMaj replied: ""No I don't Father."" The priest looked h…

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked ""when did you bag him?"" The host said ""that was three years ago when I went hunting with my wife."" ""What's he stuffed with"" asked the visiting hunter. ""My wife.""

Two women meet in heaven... There's these two women meeting for the first time in heaven who's names are Carol and Lydia. Carol leans over and asks Lydia what the cause of her death was. Lydia says, "Well I froze to death. How did you die?" To which Carol replies "I died of a massive heart attack." Very concerned, Lydia asks "What caused the heart attack?" Carol starts then explaining on how she thought her husband was cheating on her. And how she had come home early to catch him in the act but…

A nun sits outside a pub in Ireland... A man walks up to the pub and is about to go into it when the nun starts shouting. "BEFORE YOU ENTER THIS DEN OF SIN, THINK OF YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER!" He said back to the nun. "They're dead, they're dead and in heaven" The nun went for a different tack and said. "Think then! Think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!" "What? Whatever are ye talking about? Have you ever had a drink?" And the nun said no. "Well how the hell can you…

Insuring the Army Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This …

A Farmer in Cornwall see's a bloke drinking from his stream He shouts, "Wozzon! Ee den wanna be drinkin dat, t'is fulla horse piss an cow shit". The bloke says "I'm from london and just purchased a property in the village can you speak bit slower please". The Farmer replies "If - you -use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any"!!!!!

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twent…

By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". The following is a telephonic exchange between a Hotel guest & room-service in China ... Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service." Room Service: "Rye, Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?" Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs." Room Service: "Ow ulai den?" Guest: " .......What?" Room Service: "Ow ulai den?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?" Guest: "Oh,…

The deaf wife problem. Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears yo…

A nun is standing outside a pub... ...and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones: "Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!" The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, in heaven." "Well," says the nun, "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!" "What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?"…