The Marine Jokes

President Obama and the old man One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, ""I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."" ... The Marine looks at the man and says, ""Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."" The old man says, ""Okay,"" and walks away. The following day the same man approaches the White House…

A marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the marine walked the entire length of the car to find a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary marine asked, ""Ma'am, may I have that seat?"" The French woman sniffed and said to nobody in particular, ""Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."" The marine walked the entir…

A Marine and an Army Soldier are in the bathroom together and they finish their business at the same time, and the Marine walks out the door without washing his hands. The soldier says ""in the Army, they teach us to wash our hands"" The Marine yells ""**in the Marine Corps, they teach us not to piss on our hands**""

A marine and a navy man are in the bathroom. They are both taking a piss at the urinal. Both men finish at the same time. The man in the navy goes to the sink, and the marine heads to the bathroom exit. The navy man speaks up to the marine and says ""you know, in the navy they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss."" The marine stops at the exit, and responds ""oh yeah? Well in the marines they teach us to not piss on our hands.""

A marine is on his way home from a tour of duty and finds himself seated next to two Arabs in the airport. He has a little time till his next flight, so he takes off his boots and sets them down next to him. He looks over to the two Arabs and, thinking it'd be taken as a gesture of goodwill, says, ""Would any of you like a coke?"" One of them nods yes, so the marine gets up to go to the vending machine around the corner. One of the Arabs whispers to the other, and snickers as he spits into one o…

A marine and sailor are at a urinal. The sailor finishes first and starts washing his hands; the marine finishes and starts to walk out. The sailor quips, ""Hey Jarhead, don't they teach marines to wash their hands after pissing?"" The marine continues walking out the door saying, ""Nope. They teach us to not piss on our hands.""

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine le…

A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, ""What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"" The Marine shrugged and replied, ""Recoil.""

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, ""Ma'am, may I have that seat?""The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, ""Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."" The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog.""Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.""She sno…

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first Marine he met ""Do you want to go to heaven?"" The Marine said ""I do Father."" The priest said ""Leave this pub right now!"" He then approached a second Marine. ""Do you want to got to heaven?"" ""Certainly Father"" was the Marine's reply. ""Then leave this den of Satan!"" said the priest. Father Murphy then walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked ""Do you want to go to heaven?"" The SgtMaj replied: ""No I don't Father."" The priest looked h…

The Tired Marine A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked …

A marine is looking for a seat on the train... A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using th…

A marine on his way home A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine…

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent… A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The grunt askes “well what would you do then?” Marine replies “when a scorpion gets in my tent I usually cut off it’s tail while it…