United States Jokes

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington DC. He saw a man standing near the curb and asked ""Listen I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"" ""What?"" the man huffed. ""Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"" ""Well no"" the tourist said ""I didn't realize that. But listen I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway.""

At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians. American : ""In the United States anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police."" Russian : ""In Russia we don't require that you dial anything.""

QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Until he gets caught.

It has been said that the United States has the best congressmen money can buy.

Do you know the 20th President of the United States ? No we were never introduced !

When young Jose newly arrived in the United States made his first trip to Yankee Stadium there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. ""And the Americans they are so friendly!"" he concluded. ""Before the game started they all stood up and looked at me and sang .... 'Jose can you see?'""

Last summer the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination Bill put his arm around Hillary and said ""Well honey if you had stayed with him you would be the wife of a service station owner today."" She smirked …

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happene…

eer booze and fun!' 'Yesterday scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Bill Clinton Hillary Ramrod Clinton Al Gore and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans. Bill: ""Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."" Hillary: ""Well why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."" Al: ""Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."" Tipper: ""Why don't we all jump out the …

A joke we tell tourists in china Back when the Terra-cotta Soldiers were discovered, Bill and Hilary Clinton decided to visit the site. It was also asked of the chinese officials arranging the tour, that the Clintons could meet the meek and old chinese man that discovered the Terra-cotta. Back then, the Terra-cotta site was out in the province in a small local village. This village was the hometown of the fortunate old chinese man who discovered them and was going to meet POTUS. It also meant …

The Wasp There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted and breezes through, finishing with 5 phDs. He then decides he wants to go into politics. He starts out municipally and then onto state government, until he finally decides to run for Presiden…

First Jewish President The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida. A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House. The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest…

4 explorers find land north of the United States 4 explorers find land north of the United States, and decide to claim it as their own. They make a simple flag out of some leaves and stick it in the ground. "Looks great, eh?" An explorer says. A second explorer agrees. "Yeah, it's perfect! We can call it the official flag of... um..." "...We need a name for this place, eh?" A third explorer says. Everyone else nods in agreement. They start thinking of names for their new land, but can'…

"That's no excuse not to write to your mother." Paddy and Maggy Dunn send their son, Neely, from Ireland to the United States to find a job and build a dream career. Off Neely sails on a freighter, earning his way across the Atlantic as a deckhand. Upon arriving in the U.S., Neely sends his mam and pap a letter, explaining the glorious sights and sounds he beheld. As Neely searches for a job, his letters dwindle in frequency and, before long, cease altogether. Paddy 'n Maggie are concerned, n…

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim... And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore. "Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you." "Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says. "Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!" She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National …

The Native American An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pu…

The Pretzel Hold. Back in the days of the Cold War, the United States and the Soviet Union played out their battle for world domination at the Olympics, and the signature event was heavyweight wrestling. Both sides wanted the bragging rights in that event, and they stopped at nothing to get the edge. And so, deep in the wastelands of Siberia, the Soviets brought all of their knowledge of genetics and selective breeding to bear and created the fastest, strongest wrestler they'd ever produced. …

Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says......... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon , I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon." With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, double smoked bacon .... ev…

The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says......... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked …

Pope John Paul II... ...was on a tour of the United States some years ago. During a stop in Atlanta, an admirer presented him with a beautiful handmade ring. But somehow, in the hectic confusion of the tour, the ring was misplaced. "Don't worry, Your Holiness," said the pope's aide. "I'm sure it will turn up before we leave the States." The tour was so busy that the lost ring slipped everyone's mind. The pope and his entourage were on the jet, preparing for the trip back to Vatican City. …

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan... Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you. On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the d…

Topical Jokes for 10/21 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) NASA scientists are preparing for a mission to Mars by spending eight months in Hawaii. After eight months in Hawaii, the scientists will then go on a well-earned vacation. ...the Hawaii mission will help astronauts practice doing tequila shots while wearing those giant helmets. Wal-Mart has announced they will begin offering checking accounts to customers. The checking accounts will give Wal-Mart …

The United States government.

A Canadian woman living near the border A Canadian woman lives with her family in a forest near the border with the US. One autumn morning, her son comes home from town holding a letter. He approaches the woman and says: "According to this letter, the United States wants to consider this area as part of Montana. The Canadian government agrees, but says that since we're the only family living here, they want our permission to sign this land over to the US." The woman jumps out of her chair and…