United States Jokes

A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States. In order to get a visa, they have to Americanize their names. Chu became Chuck. Bu became Buck. Hu became Huck. Su and Fu decided to stay in China

Is it really 2016? Is it really 2016? I mean Tarzan is playing in theaters, Pokemon is a craze, and a Clinton is running for President of the United States.

The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell!? Ees bacon, I theenk." "Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon." With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon…

A man comes to the United States from India And he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and directly smell and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." The man takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, ben…

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. …

The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards. The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so. The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye. The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president,…

Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States... ...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

A young man went off to college.... A young man from Arkansas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and…

A Chinese went to a temple and asked a monk: "Who will win the United States presidential election?" The monk point his finger towards a dog shit... The Chinese was confused and asked the monk: "Did you mean both of them are shits? Or the shittiest one will win?" The monk replied: "It means, I don't give a shit."

Trump: "If you mess with the United States...." .....there will be hell Toupeeeeee

3 surgeons walk into a pub... ...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England." The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in an accident and I sewed them back on. 2 years later, he won a gold medal at the olympic games." The third physician, who had been silent to this point says: "Amateurs! A coup…

What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export? Troops

The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon." With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, e…

Ww2 joke i heard recently So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States. The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?” “Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America. The boy then asks, “We are at war with Russia too, right? Where’s that?” The father then points at a map of the Soviet Union. “I think we’re also at war with the British,” the boy says. “…

The Pope is on a visit to the United States for a conference, riding in a limo to Washington DC The driver asks him if he needs anything. "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!" protests the driver. "Who's going to tell?" the Pope smirked. Reluctant to refuse a request from such an important person, the driver relented and the Pope took the wheel. Th…

How do you spell the name of the country north of the United States C eh? N eh? D eh?

A rapist, a convicted felon and the former president of the United States walk in to a bar. Then he orders a beer.

The Pope is on a visit to the United States for a conference, riding in a limo to Washington DC The driver asks him if he needs anything. "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!" protests the driver. "Who's going to tell?" the Pope smiled. So the driver relented and the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back. They were speeding down t…

The pope is on a tour of the United States The tour follows a simple routine: he shows up in a city, addresses an adoring multitude, and then hits the road for the next city. After just a few stops it starts to get pretty monotonous. After all, one adoring multitude starts to look much like another after a few days on the road. The pope is bored in the backseat of his limo, cruising down the highway on the way to his next appearance, when a wicked idea strikes him. He leans forward and says to…

A mailman notices an unusual piece of mail from the US Navy Norfolk, VA A mailman goes on his usual route to pick up the mail from the Navy base. He briefly glances over all the letters to make sure they have the proper postage. One piece of mail stuck out in his mind for a second as it has a blue Dharmachara Buddhist wheel symbol on it. Thinking nothing more of it he puts all of the letters in his bag. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-g…

Cuban pastimes Years ago, a bearded Cuban was chatting it up with some ladies vacationing from the United States. He said, "Here in Cuba, our number one pastime is bullfighting." One of the ladies, horrified at the spectacle of bloody bulls being tortured, asked "Isn't it revolting?" "No, that's our second most popular pastime."

[Long] An old joke but a good one: Four people are on a plane: the pope, the president of the United States, the prime minister of the UK and a schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and the pilot informs them that there is only three parachutes available. The prime minister says: “I need a parachute, I’ve got to keep running the government!” So he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The president says: “I need a parachute, I’ve got to keep running the country!” So he grabs a pa…

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

Hot dog (Half of this joke is translated from another language so i don't know if it's as good as the original when told in English) Two foreigners come to United States for the first time. They have very little knowledge about U.S. culture, So they stop at a fast food place. One sees hot dog on the menu and is shocked. He tells his friend " look they eat dogs in U.S." Intrigued he says he will try it When his order arrives, he turns to his friend and says: With my luck guess whic…

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee. They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME." Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide to stop to buy some lunch. After finding a suitable par…