Sir There Jokes

An emergency phone call Two hunters were out in the woods, when suddenly a snake attacked them. Seeing his bitten friend convulsing, the other hunter contacted 911. Hunter: Help! My friend was bitten by a snake and he is violently convulsing! Operator: Please keep calm, sir. Is he still breathing? Hunter: No. I don't think he is. I don't feel a pulse. I think he's dead! Operator: Please make sure that he IS dead sir. There was a long silence on the operator's line, followed by a gunshot. Hunter:…

Checks and pants A middle aged man and a hot young girl step into a jewelery store. The man asks the jeweler to show the girl his finest rings. The jeweler obliged does so and after some consideration the girl picks one of the most expensive ones. At the point the man proceeds to write off a check for the ring; the jeweler interjects "I'm sorry Sir! We do not take checks". The man then tells the jeweler, "I understand your concern. I'll tell you what, cash the check in and my sweet Maria will p…

The Pope is on a visit to the United States for a conference, riding in a limo to Washington DC The driver asks him if he needs anything. "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!" protests the driver. "Who's going to tell?" the Pope smirked. Reluctant to refuse a request from such an important person, the driver relented and the Pope took the wheel. Th…

Joke from 1908 (reposted from really really old reddit) A wealthy man was ordered by his physician to go away to the mountains for a rest. He went home, told the members of his family what the doctor had said. He said, "While I'm away, I don't wish to be annoyed by letters or telegrams; in fact, I don't want to receive any news of any kind." So he went away and was gone about six weeks. He returned to the city very much improved in health and very anxious for some news from home. He got off o…

The Pope is on a visit to the United States for a conference, riding in a limo to Washington DC The driver asks him if he needs anything. "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!" protests the driver. "Who's going to tell?" the Pope smiled. So the driver relented and the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back. They were speeding down t…

The Pope is on a visit to the US, riding in the back of a limo The Pope is on a visit to the US, riding in the back of a limo. The driver asks him if he needs anything. "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something happens?" protests the driver. "Who's going to tell?" the Pope smiled. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got i…

Stalin's assistant enters his office "Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!" Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him." The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed. Later, with a lot of hesitation, the assistant asks. "Sir, why did you order this man's execution?" Stalin looks at him calmly, and responds. "If he could really see the future, he …