United States Jokes

The United States now has... 51 one states, 50 regular one with an ass-ter-risk Bud Dum Tss.

Barber Shop One day at a local barber shop a priest went in to get his hair cut. After he finished he asks the barber how much he owes him for the haircut. The barber politely responds with ""For you, it is free of charge. Think of it as my way of giving back to my religion"". The priest is very thankful and leaves. The next day the barber arrives to his shop and find 12 prayer cards on the doorstep from the priest in repayment for the kind act. That very same day a police officer comes into the…

The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog) Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, with a tearful goodbye to his wasp coworkers, his wasp friends and his wasp parents (normal, hard working waspfolk with traditional wasp morals and a burni…

Bill and Hilary Clinton, a boy, and an elderly man are on a plane ...when the plane starts going down. Unfortunately there was only 3 parachutes. Bill says ""I was president of the United States so i should take one."" So he grabs a chute and jumps. Hillary says ""I'm the smartest person in the world, so i should go."" So she grabs a chute and jumps. Then the elderly man says ""I've lived my life boy, you take the last chute"" The boy says ""Wait there's still two parachutes, the smartest person…

Right now the United States and China are tied in total Olympic medals! Of course we trail in Gold medals because every time we win one we have to turn it over to China to pay our debt!!!

The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris.

People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply......Chuck Norris

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make…

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC, 20510 Dear Senator Harkin, As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status fro…

Ahmed came to the United States from Iraq, and was here only a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, ""Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."" Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fu…

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."" The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."" The person says, ""I not American, I Vietnamese…

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, ""Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the United States. As a citizen, you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."" ""Thank goodness,"" returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. ""I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.""

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This …

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am Mexican."" The man goes on and encounter s another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"" The person says, ""I not American, I Vietnamese."" The …

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, ""Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."" The twenty answered, ""I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"" The one dollar bill said, ""You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.""

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son... ""When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."" Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, ""When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.""

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, ""Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."" He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, ""You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."" Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah we…

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another o…

Chuck Norris action figures have been banned in the United States and Mexico due to the roundhouse action related to eye loss in children.

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter. ""I just got some news Mom"" he said. ""The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided t…

A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: ""I'd like to become the next President of the United States."" The receptionist: ""What are you an idiot?"" Redneck: ""Why is it required?""

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. ""Give me your money"" he demanded. Indignant the affluent man replied ""Hey watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!"" ""In that case"" replied the mugger ""give me MY money.""

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says ""I'm Shaquille O'Neill the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me it would be unfair to them if I died."" So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger Hillary Clinton says ""I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world a Senator in New York and America's potential future Preside…