President Clinton Jokes

"President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?" The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Say Bubba, do you know.... *One of my favorite Bubba jokes* Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"" ""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, ""Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend c…

The Moral of this is...... President Bush tried, and failed. President Clinton tried, and failed. President Obama tried, and succeded. The moral of this is... If you want someone dead, hire a black man...

A Presidential Joke A guy, long suspecting that his wife was cheating on him, decided to try to catch her in the act. He noticed that on Tuesdays and Thursdays, while he was working out, that when he got home the bed would be kind of messed up, and his wife always made the bed. So one Thursday he decided to leave work early. He got to his apartment and started to unlock the locks and heard some noises. He finally bursts in and sees a pair of men's pants, mans button up shirt, and tie. He then go…

Former President Clinton and Mrs. Hillary Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents, one of whom leans over and whispers something into the President's ear. As soon as he finishes, Mr. Clinton grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. Hillary falls 10 feet to the top of the dugout, kicking and screaming obscenities. The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, ""Mr. President, I said, they …

Old Clinton joke President Clinton is visiting his home state of Arkansas and picks up two razorback pigs from a local breeder. As he's walking onto Air Force one with a pig under each arm he asks to the marine saluting him, ""you ever see such beautiful creatures in your whole life?"" ... ""No sir, I have not. If I may ask, sir, why did you get the pigs?"" Clinton responds, ""well I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."" ... ""Excellent trade sir!!""

The man who knew everyone A friend of mine named Larry once told me, around the time of Bill Clinton's 2nd inauguration, ""You know, President Clinton and I are buddies."" I said, ""Sure you are."" He said, ""No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me."" Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Clinton with his arm around the guy. Not long after, I was talking to Larry about how much I admired Johnny Depp as an actor…

President Obama is walking through the White House... ...when he passes former President Clinton. ""Bill!"" says Obama, ""what's going on? How is Hillary's head?"" ""Well,' says Bill, ""She's no Monica.""

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"" ""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, ""Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"" Although impressed, Colin'…

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make…

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land in the Emerald City of Oz. They are finally allowed to visit the great and powerful wizard and Dan Quayle says ""I've had a tough time getting by in Washington and I think I'd like to have a brain"". Newt Gingrich speaks next and says ""I've heard all they say about me and my conservative politics and I'd like to have a heart."" President Clinton speaks last and says ""I'll just take Dorothy.""

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the last one!) DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange th…

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. ""Who goes there?"" inquired St. Peter. ""It's me Bill Clinton"". ""What bad things did you do on earth?"" Clinton thought a bit and answered ""Well I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied but I didn't commit perjury."" After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied ""OK here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be the…

A tourist from the United States of America is at a resturant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says ""Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President Clinton is a bastard!' and nothing would be done to me."" The Cuban waiter replies ""We have that same freedom in Cuba. I could stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and nothing would be …

In a survey of American women when asked ""Would you sleep with President Clinton?"" 86% replied ""Not again""

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike? A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

President Clinton to maid: Mam can you do something about Hillary's room. She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House. Maid: Yes Mr. President--I'll remove the mirrors right away.

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up? A: ""Good morning Bill.""

President Clinton returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway he is met by the guard a Marine sergeant who issues a crisp salute. ""I'd salute you back Sergeant"" says the President ""but as you can see I've got my hands full."" ""Yes sir"" replies the sergeant. ""Very nice pigs sir. Very nice pigs."" ""Why these aren't pigs"" the President responds. ""T…

Former Vice President Quayle Speaker of the House Gingrich and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says ""I'm going to ask the Wizard fo…

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord USA they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down …

Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him ""Bill I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America the whole beautiful country and on each house I saw a banner."" ""What did it say on the banners?"" Clinton asks. Saddam replies ""Allah is god god is Allah."" Clinton says ""You know Saddam I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely and on each house flew an enormous…

Bubba and Friends Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Altho…

Nice pigs sir A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm. The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir." Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea." The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."

Former president Clinton Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit