United States Jokes

Elections If the Republicans win the midterms, I will leave the United States. If the Democrats win the midterms, I will leave the United States This is not about politics, I just want to travel.

Tattoo A man wanted to get a tattoo. The only issue was, the tattoo was an devilishly intricate design. He went to his local tattoo parlor, only to get turned away as the artist was not skilled enough. He tried again in a busy parlor in the middle of a nearby city, only to be told it was too difficult once again. Dejected, the man set out on a quest to find a tattoo artist skilled enough to make his tattoo for him. He searched all across the United States, to no avail. He moved to the UK, then…

100 is a nice round number The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar? The American: 100, of course The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37? The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calculate. 62? You crazy Europeans. The European: Right, gotcha. Thank you! So how many feet in a mile? The American: Go back to Europe!

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk. Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you” Bill laughs and laughs and says “wow, imagine where you’d be if you would’ve married that guy!” Hillary looks back at Bill and says “I’d be married to the Presid…

What is the difference between New Zealand and the United States? In New Zealand the sheep have four legs

Time travel is possible! The United States just traveled back 50 years!

A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States." The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?" The man asks, "Why, is it required?"

My brother asked me which super power I'd like Apparently the united states wasn't a good answer.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States

What would happen if the United States were to switch from Pounds to Kilograms over night? *A Mass Confusion*

A North Korean United States

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare? Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

In the UK United States Vice President’s opinion isn’t worth much

What do you call a debate club that only meets once a year? The United States Congress.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States... Wandering aimlessly and starving

The President of Brazil France and United States share a flight around the world

Every 4th of July America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race.. It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted.

Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes. Trump declares ""I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable."" He grabs a parachute and jumps.

Why is everybody questioning Trump’s integrity? He is not taking the salary usually given by the United States to be the President. He honestly feels he should not be paid by more than one government.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United State Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally

A Scotsman moves to the United States and watches his first baseball game When a runner hits a ground ball he watches everyone yelling for the player to run

What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States.

What's the United States' biggest most well-known export?