United States Jokes

A 'Cold War' joke I tought up today... It's early September, 1984. Children around the world are going back to school. Despite living on opposing sides of the Iron Curtain, two Mathematics teachers, one in the United States and the other in the Soviet Union, ask their respective classes the same question. ""OK class."" Said the American teacher, ""If I had three oranges, and I divided them fairly between four children, how many oranges would each child receive?"" Most of the children in his clas…

Applying for US weapons as a moderate Syrian rebel As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is: A) Moderate B) Very moderate C) Crazy moderate D) Other I became a Syrian rebel because I believe in: A) Truth B) Justice C) The American Way D) Creating an Islamic caliphate If I were given a highly lethal automatic weapon by the United States, I would: A) Only kill exactly the people that the United States wanted me to kill B) Try to kill the right people, with the caveat…

Why are there no coup d'etat in the United States? Because there is no U.S. embassy there.

A Chinese man with the unfortunate name ""Shan Yu"" To escape the ridicule of his peers, this man moved to the United States and found a job in an office that simplified scholarly articles on FOL (first order logic) so that the average Joe could read them. It turned out this was Shan Yu's dream job; no one else could handle the language in the FOL files like he could. In his off hours he would practice hiding his accent, and ""FOL"" was his word of choice. After years of practice, Shan Yu's acce…

Tough shit Amigo! A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. ""Good man,"" the fairy said, ""I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."" The man told the fairy, ""Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."" The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PI…

How Jews cry wolf What happens if an insect falls in a cup of coffee ?! tHe britiSH : will thrOw the Cup into the strEEt and leave the coffee shOp foR good. thE amERican : will get the inSEct out and drink the coffEE. The chiINse : will eAT the inseCT and drink the coffee. the isRAeli will : (1) Sell the coffee to the aMErican and the insect to the Chinese. (2) Cry on all the media chaNNels that they feel inSecuRe. (3) Accuse the PalestiNians, hizbaLLah, syrIA and iRAn of using gERm-weapOns. (4)…

The US Navy Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95. Americans: ""Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."" Canadians: ""Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."" Americans: ""This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."" Canadians: ""No, I say again, you…

Topical Jokes for 6/17 (For best results, imagine these in the voice of your favorite talk show host) In Michigan, a man was arrested after he tried to toss a football filled with drugs into a prison. Prison guards knew something was wrong when they heard 700 inmates shouting, ""I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!"" The United States announced they've arrested the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. When Republicans heard the news, they said, ""Oh great! They caught Hillary Clinton!"". Coca Cola is testi…

The Spellcheck Family Before 1882 spelling errors were relatively common in the United States, that was until the Spelczek family immigrated to the USA from Poland. The Spelczeks traveled all across the USA in a horseless carriage correcting the typos on store signs. Recently, Besnik Spelczek of Silicon Valley, California decided to digitize the family business and installed ""spellcheck"" the anglicization of his surname, into every computer that ran word or open office. A portion of the profit…

George and Martha, a retired couple from Texas are traveling across the United States in their big Cadilac. Martha has a headache and is lying in the back seat. She is also half deaf. They pull into a full service gas station and a young man comes running out to take care of them. Attendant: ""filler up for you sir?"" Geroge: ""yeah that would be great"" Martha : ""WHAT'D HE SAY GEORGE?"" George: ""HE SAID DO I WANT A FILL UP"" Martha: ""oh"" Attendant:""check your oil for ya?"" George: ""yeah, …

Doggy political, doggy religion and plays on words Q. If a dog were elected president of the United States, what would he be known as? A. The drooler of the free world. Q. Why do dogs think they need to go to church? A. They think they need to go for their salivation. Q. What is the difference between a purse thief and a women who has to pee? A. The purse thief snatched the women's clutch.

don't worry, if there's a third world war, the United States won't be involved because it's a first world country

An Indian walks into a cafe.... An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: ""Want coffee."" The waiter says, ""Sure, Chief. Coming right up."" He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,…

Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says......... ""Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon , I theenk."" ""Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."" With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, double smoked bacon .... ev…

The FBI and the Blonde The year is 2001, and it's post-9/11. The United States is devastated for the tragic event that happened in their country and wants to increase their security. In result, the FBI agrees with recruiting agents in the general public. A blonde hears about this and signs up for FBI. She enters the room and their is a man in a black suit sitting on one side of the table. The blonde sits down. The FBI agent says: ""In this test, you be given a picture of a man. I will show you t…

Apollo Astronauts & U.S. Customs The Apollo 11 Astronauts had to go through customs prior to being allowed back into the United States. I wonder what they declared? Uhmmm well I've got some prime lunar flake, a few rocks of crater and a touch of Solar blow....

A large plane crashed... A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried…

Statue of Liberty How do you know the Statue of Liberty isn't French? It doesn't have both arms raised. And yes I know the French manufactured the Statue of Liberty and gave it to the United States

4 explorers find land north of the United States, and decide to claim it as their own. They make a simple flag out of some leaves and stick it in the ground. ""Looks great, eh?"" An explorer says. A second explorer agrees. ""Yeah, it's perfect! We can call it the official flag of... um..."" ""...We need a name for this place, eh?"" A third explorer says. Everyone else nods in agreement. They start thinking of names for their new land, but can't really find one they like. ""How about this?"" An e…

Girl confesses she met a guy online and asks for her dads blessings. Girl: Dad! I am in love with a boy who lives far away from me. I am in the United States and he lives in the United Kingdom. We met on a dating website, became good friends on FaceBook, had long chats on WhatsApp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now two months of relationship through Viber, I need your blessings and good wishes. Dad: You know we are in the days of technology, where things are now done electronically so I think …

That's my plan and I'm sticking to it. This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR co…

The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel. ""I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."" ""I'm sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein."" ""No, no, no. I say we invade the United States."" Mr. Moskowitz almost chokes on his drink.…

The President of the United States, the Prime Minister of England, and the King of Thailand walk into a bar in Bangkok and the bartender says ""May I get you and your guests drinks, Your Majesty?""

The taxi driver A British and a United States Architects arrived at Soekarno-Hatta International Airport in Jakarta Indonesia for a Building Convention. They knew each other, arrived at about the same time, planned to stay at the same hotel, and they have both been to Indonesia before, so they agreed to share a taxi to get there. The taxi driver asked them where would he be taking them and they provided him with the location of their hotel. Soon enough, along the way to the hotel, they are engag…

The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says... ""Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."" ""Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "" With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked baco…