United States Jokes

It's a good thing the Island of Lesbos is not in the United States Not sorry...

How much money does the Treasurer of the United States make? All of it.

Oldie.....Mexico will never win an Olympic medal in swimming or track and field..... ... because every Mexican who can run, jump or swim lives in the United States.

The president of United States converses with a retired veteran Veteran : You know, mr. president, when I was combatting in the Middle East I once killed 3 enemies single handedly while being shot in my chest. President : Syriasly? What happened afterwards? Veteran : Iran.

If Donald Trump is elected President, it would be more appropriate if we change the eagle on the Great Seal of the United States... to a hummingbird. Because hummingbird is the only species of bird that can fly backward, signifying the country's backward progression. P.S. Got the idea from the Coats of Arms of Australia.

A horrible Charlie Brown joke Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts are doing a project for school that requires them to select the name of a country out of a hat. Lucy goes first and gets the United States. Linus goes up and picks Japan. Finally, after everybody else has selected their country, Charlie Brown is the only one left. He nervously steps up to the hat, picks a name out of it, and groans. Upon sitting back at his seat, Linus asks him what's wrong. Charlie Brown sighs and simply sa…

Being an election year, I thought this one was timely A guy meets and old buddy of his at a store that he hadn't seen in about fifteen years. He noticed that his friend had a ten year old son. The guy says to the kid, ""What do you want to be when you grow up, young man?"" ""I want to be President of the United States!"", the kid proudly says, ""I'm a Democrat, just like my dad!"" The guy says, ""That's pretty ambitious, young man. It take a lot of work to be President. To teach you the value of…

Donald Trump and a Mexican find a genie's lamp They rub the lamp and the genie that appears tells them they can have three wishes, two for the person who found the lamp and one for his companion. Trump, of course, claims that he found the lamp and proceeds to make his wishes. Trump: First, I want all Mexicans kicked out of the United States. Every single one. Genie: It is done. Trump: And secondly, I want a wall all the way around the United States. 200 feet tall and made of concrete. On the bor…

Homesick Indian Haji comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says, ""Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."" Haji takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over…

""The Four Businessmen"" Four businessmen walk onto a train: one from China, one from France, one from Mexico, and one from the United States. They all sit together in a room with an open window and begin unpacking their lunches. The Frenchman eats half of his croissant and tosses the remainder of it out the window. The others ask ""Why did you do that?"" And the Frenchman says ""I have enough of those where I come from."" The Chinaman eats half of an eggroll and tosses the remainder of it out t…

My new toothpaste reminds me of the united states next president I can feel the burn

Dear Abby Dear Abby My husband hasn't worked in 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. He's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand daughters. I know because he brags about it. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and ugly face turn him off! Should I clobber him with my frying …

Why didn't Russia return the NSA whistleblower to the United States? He was Snowden.

ISIS is threatening us again. ISIS has officially warned the United States that if the United States continues meddling in Syria, Egypt, Libya, Iran and Afghanistan, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents. It's gonna get ugly, people...

Two Mexicans are lost in a desert after crossing into the United States... They are wandering aimlessly and starving, and they are just about to lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: >""Hey Pepe, are you smelling what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk"" >""Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "" With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's fried bacon, there's raw bacon, there's back bacon, there'…

Chief Bowels During the American Wild West era, a group of American railroad engineers came across a Native American tribe living right where their planned railroad was intended to be built. Not wishing to cause any harm to the Native Americans by forcibly removing them, the engineers met with Chief Bowels of the Native American tribe in his teepee to try to convince him to move the tribe. ""Sir, there is absolutely no other location we can lay this track. The mountains to the north and the rive…

Two Mexicans in the desert Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...: ""Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."" ""Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."" With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double …

The Rabbit Joke So on the island of Newfoundland there was once a tourist, who had come from the United States. He had come a very long way to see the beautiful views and wildlife of the island. He rented himself a car at the airport and set off to see the sights. But just as he started down the airport road, he heard a thump from under his rental cars tire. Thinking he may have rented a lemon, he pulled to the shoulder of the road an got out to check the car. With utter dismay he realized he ha…

A few years after he became an ex-President, Bill and Hilary are driving around Arkansas and stop for gas. The guy operating the pump is about their age. When it's done and they're driving away, Hilary chuckles and says ""The guy at the gas station? My mom wanted me to marry him."" Bill gives her a big grin and says ""Can you imagine where you'd be now, if you'd married him instead of me?"" She gives him a cold stare and says ""Yeah, I'd be driving around with an former President of the United S…

Did you know? Did you know that during the early 19th century the concept of secretarial work was virtually unheard of? It wasn't until the mid to late 1800's that the idea of secretaries was brought to America, and it came with the Chinese immigrant boom. In fact, it was one family who popularized secretarial work in the United States, the famous Fi Ling family.

A comedian, a rapist, and the President of the United States are in an elevator .. and then Barack says to the other guy ""Always liked you most in The Cosby Show"".

So the Pope went to visit Fidel Castro... ....and Fidel said to His Holiness, ""please father, I seek absolution, for I am approaching the end of my life. Will I be received at the gates of Heaven?"" The Supreme Pontiff asked the infamous dictator, ""Well, that depends my son, what have you done for the good of your fellow man?"" Castro answered, ""I led a revolution for the betterment of the weakest and poorest of my people, I liberated a beleaguered population from that imperialist swine, Bati…

Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals... ...because all their best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the United States.

The United States has fallen into disrepair, due to a great catastrophe... ...they say it was called: ""The 2016 Presidential Election Season""

Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...: ""Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."" ""Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."" With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ...…