United States Jokes

What happens when the president of the United States has to use the bathroom? The state of alert in the White House rises to Defecate 2.

What's better than being the first Black President of the United States? Being the 45th white one.

Why should we elect Gabe Newell as President of the United States? So there won't be a World War III.

What's the difference between the United States and a yogurt? That after 200 years, a yogurt can actually build a community. Haha, happy late 4th of July.

Why wasn't Jesus born in the United states? They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics? Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

What is the United States doing to fight pedophiles? Child Obesity.

What's the Biggest Jobs Killer in the United States? Pancreatic cancer.

What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

What's the United States favorite brand of shortening? San Fran Crisco

Is it really 2016? I mean Tarzan is playing in theaters, Pokemon is a craze, and a Clinton is running for President of the United States.

Hillary and Trump crash in a plane, who survives? The United States

What President of the United States smells the worst? The-Odor-e Roosevelt.

Why Trump is the most religious president in United States history? He got ​Every Juan praying!

A young woman travelling home on a flight from France to the United States turned to the priest sitting next to her and said: "Father, I wonder if I could ask you a favour?" "Certainly, my dear," he replied. "You see," she said, "in Paris I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well over customs limits, and I'm worried they'll confiscate it. Could you possibly carry it through customs for me – under your robes, perhaps?" "I'd love to help you," said the priest, "and I will do what I c…

While tending the hand wound of an old Texas rancher, a doctor struck up conversation with him and pretty soon the topic turned to Sarah Palin and her bid to become Vice-President of the United States. The old rancher said: "Palin is what I call a post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. The rancher said: "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The doctor …

An English visitor to the United States was taken by a work colleague to his first football game, one that also happened to be being screened live on TV. Afterwards his host family asked him whether he had enjoyed it. "Not really," he admitted. "I found it boring. It was all very stopstart. Every thirty seconds or so, the referee would blow his whistle, and the game would then take a few minutes to resume." "Well, you know why that is?" "No." "Snack breaks for the audience."

A millionaire was driving along in his stretch limo when he saw a humble man eating grass by the roadside. Ordering his chauffeur to stop, he wound down the window and called to the man: "Why are you eating grass?" "Because, sir," he replied, "we don't have enough money for proper food." "Come with me, then," said the millionaire. "But sir, I have a wife and seven children." "That's okay. Bring them all along." The man and his family climbed gratefully into the limo. "Sir, you are too kind. How …

A man from Ireland was on a bus tour of the United States. As the bus travelled for miles and miles through desert landscape and oil fields, he asked the guide: "Where are we now?" The guide said proudly: "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's certainly big," mused the Irishman. "It's so big," added the guide, "that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." "Yes," smiled the Irishman, "and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"

Two days before Christmas, Jim was flying from London's Heathrow Airport to Washington, DC, to visit his wife, who worked in the United States. He arrived at Heathrow to find the entire terminal decked in green and red, complete with tacky elves, Santas, reindeer, snowmen and Christmas trees wherever he looked. Meanwhile, between announcements of flight delays and cancellations, the loudspeakers blared out tinny renditions of Christmas carols. As he checked-in his luggage, having queued for the …

A woman went into a bank in London wishing to loan $3,000 for one month. The loan officer said that he would require collateral. The woman says, “I have a Ferrari; here are a set of keys. Keep it until I repay the loan.” The loan is authorized and the Ferrari driven away for safe keeping. The woman returns one month later, pays the $3,000 loan together with $20 interest and the car is returned to her. Clearly puzzled, the loan officer says to her, “With respect, madam, I don't understand why som…

A Frenchman holding high office who met Allen Barkley, Vice- President of United States said, “You Americans are a vigorous, strong people. But we French are the politest in the world. You admit it yourself, don’t you?” Barkley smiled, “Yes”, he said, “that is our politeness!”

There were three passengers in a plane that was about to crash. One was the smartest man in the world, one was the President of the United States, and one was a little girl. However, there were only two parachutes. The first man, the smartest man in the world, stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes. I, being the smartest man, am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out. The president looked at the little girl an…