Jerusalem Jokes

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn't catch on like they had hoped

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

How you doin' Jerusalem! "WINE" Here's a new tric- "MAKE WINE" Please, I've been working very hard on my routi- *dodges stone jars of water*

So this Isreali send his son to university in Jerusalem... The son comes back on holiday and breaks it to his father that he is now a Christian. The father is completely distraught and runs out the back door. His neighbor sees and ask him what is wrong. ""My son! He goes to Jerusalem and returns a Christian!"" he cries. The neighbor nods his head and say, ""You know, funny you should mention that. My son did the same thing. Lets go talk to the Rabbi."" So they go to synagog and ask to see the Ra…

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, ""You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, ""why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"" The…

A family is on a trip in Jerusalem Halfway through the trip the wife's mother dies. The wife wants to bury her in Jerusalem because taking a dead body back to their home country is very expensive but the husband insists on taking her back. He eventually convinces her to fly the body back to their home country. The priest then asks them why they didn't bury her in Jerusalem and the husband replies ""They buried this other guy there once and he came back from the dead""

Half of these jokes were around when Jesus played fullback for Jerusalem.

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, ""You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100."" The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss it for a few minutes.They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ""Why would you spend $…

Three archaeologists of different nationalities are debating on whose culture was more advanced The French archaeologist claims his ancestors were superior: ""We dug down 50 meters in Paris and we found copper. That must mean we had copper wiring which proves the French are more advanced."" The Italian scoffs, ""Pah! That is nothing. We dug down 100 meters underwater in Venice and found glass. That indicates that my ancestors had fiber optics!"" The Israeli smiles and says, ""We dug down 200 met…

George went on a vacation to the Middle East... George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, ""My friend, the sending of a …

Jesus loves Peter After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him. He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter. ""Peteeer....,"" he called through painful breaths, ""Peeteerr...."" Peter, the must …

Traffic on Good Friday How did Jesus get across Jerusalem on a busy Friday afternoon? Cross traffic doesn't stop.

A man is vacationing in Jerusalem with his family when his stepmother gets very ill, the next day she passes away. The man asks for her body to be flew back to their home state to be buried there, but he finds out that it will cost $5000. He is given an offer to bury her right there in Jerusalem for only $150. The man thinks about it for a while, but eventually says he will pay the $5000 to ship her back home. A local walks up and is amazed, saying that he must have loved his stepmother very muc…

Shlomo is upset... he's at services, practically tearing at his clothes in anguish, when the rabbi (noticing his pain) comes to him after and says ""Shlomo, everything is okay?"" With tears in his eyes, Shlomo turns to the rabbi and says ""Rebbe, you remember when my son Benjamin went to the holy land?"" ""Oh yes!"" says the rabbi. Then his face fell. ""Something happen to him? Is he okay?"" ""No, rabbi, no. But he comes back from the trip, and he tells me he is a Christian now!"" The rabbi puts…

A man marries a Jewish woman, and for their honeymoon they go to Israel. The mother-in-law insists that she come along. Reluctantly, the couple allows her along the trip. After only two days, the mother-in-law has a heart attack and dies. The daughter is so distraught that the husband is left to make all the funeral arrangements by himself. He's sitting in the undertaker's office when he walks back in. ""Well,"" says the undertaker, ""I've got some bad news. If you want to ship the body back to …

The Power of Prayer A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the historic Wailing Wall. Everyday when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, ""You come every day to the Wall, sir, how long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?"" The old man replies, ""I have come here to pray every d…

The Wall A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the historic Wailing Wall. Everyday when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, ""You come every day to the Wall, sir, how long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?"" The old man replies, ""I have come here to pray every day for 25 y…

A journalist is doing a report about people at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. And she sees an old man coming back after a prayer. -Sir, may I ask you how long have you been visiting the wall and praying here? -Oh about 70 years now, not less. -70 years! If it's not a secret, what have you been asking from God all these years? -I've been asking for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. I've been praying for an end to all wars, safety for our children and mutual respect between all people. I…

If you need your iPhone repaired in Jerusalem, you obviously go to the Genius Bar. There, they don't serve alcohol..., ....but there's plenty of Apple Jews.

So I was in Jerusalem and a man was trying to sell me a gold watch... I kept telling him I don't want it. It looks too fake, not real gold. He looked at me and says ""It's not fake, Israel.""

COOL HUSBAND :D :P :) Husband & wife went to Jerusalem. Wife died there. Priest: ""Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100"". Man:""........ I'll take the body home!!!"" Priest:"" Why the costly option?"" Man: "" Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day. I CAN'T TAKE THE RISK"" !!!

An old Jewish couple An old Jewish husband and wife went to visit Israel on vacation. They were in Bethlehem and Jerusalem and other big cities. The wife came down with an illness and was unable to be treated and passed away. The man was given two options... To have his wife buried in Israel with a traditional Jewish ceremony for only $450 or to have his wife's body flown back to America to have the ceremony and burial there for around $10,000. The Jewish man answered very quickly, ""Have her fl…

Heaven was planning a staff outing... and they where busy choosing their destination. God: ""How about we go to Bethlehem?"" Mary: ""Nah, accomodation is really lousy there."" God: ""Ok, what about Jerusalem?"" Jesus: ""Rather not, I've got some bad memories from that place..."" God: ""I know, let's go to Rome!"" Holy Ghost: ""Great, I've never been there before!""

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: ""Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays."" Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, ""Never mind, I just found one!""

(Political) Obama dies of a sudden disease while in Jerusalem The Jews take his body and offer the United States a deal on how to bury him: They can either pay a hundred dollars to bury him in Jerusalem or pay 1 billion dollars to have him shipped back to the US to be buried. The American government gathers together to decide. After much arguing, they tell the Jews they will pay the billion to have him returned. The Jews agree, but ask: ""Why spend all that money when you could have saved so muc…