Jerusalem Jokes

A Jamaican man's wife dies in Jerusalem A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, ""ship her home"" shocked, the undertaker asked, but sir why don't you bury her in holy land and save the money? To which the husband replied. A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead...…

An Important Message From Jesus Jesus is nearing the end, hanging on the cross high upon a hill in Jerusalem as people yell at him and mock him from behind the watch of guards. In a weakened voice, he whispers ""John, my son, come here. There is something I need to tell you."" John steps forward; ""anything my Lord, what is it?"" ""Closer, John"" Jesus replies. John begins to walk towards Jesus. ""Another step and I'll cut off your arm!"" yells a guard. John stops. ""Closer...."" Jesus says soft…

A woman goes on vacation to Jerusalem and while she's there, her watch breaks. She wanders around the city looking for a watch store so she can get it repaired. All the signs are in Yiddish, which she doesn't read, so she's having some trouble. Eventually however she finds a store with a bunch of watches displayed in the window, so she goes in. She asks the man in the store, ""Do you speak English?"" to which the man replies, ""Yes."" She says, ""Oh great! My watch broke, could you fix it for me…

Jerusalem by Don McLean I think the song could be greatly improved if at the line: ""All roads lead to you,"" the singer shakes a fist and yells out ""Take that, Rome!""

An old friend told me this... Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, ""Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!"" The second man says, ""Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!"" The third man without missing a beat says, ""Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!"" All of a sudden they h…

A Holy Burial A wife and her husband go to Jerusalem on vacation. While they were there, the husband passed away.The undertaker told the wife, ""You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150."" The wife thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped home.The undertaker asked, ""Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"" The wife replied, ""Long …

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: ""You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"" The old man replies, ""I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of ma…

The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. ""What's that phone for?"" he asks. ""It's my direct line to the Lord!"" the Pope replies. The Rabbi is doubtful but the Pope insists that he tries it out and indeed he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while. After he hangs up the Rabbi says. ""Thank you very much. This is great! But listen I want to pay for the charges I have us…

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: ""You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"" The old man replies ""I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home …

Can't take that chance A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The ma…

An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Is…

Risky Burial A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150." The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?" Th…

A Jewish Man Goes to his Friend With a Problem “I have a problem with my son,” he says. “I sent him to Jerusalem so he could learn how to be a good Jew, and to how to have a good Jewish family, and he came back a Christian!” “Hmmmm, that’s a funny thing,” his friend responded. “I too had a son who I sent to Jerusalem to learn how to be a good Jew, and to how to have a good Jewish family, and he came back a Christian! Let’s take this to the Rabbi.” So the two friends go to the local Synagog…

"Rabbi, rabbi" One day, a teenage boy goes to his father- a rabbi at their small town's only synagogue- and says "Father, it pains me to say this, but I've decided to convert to Christianity." The Rabbi, with no idea what to do, decides to walk ten miles to a much larger city, where he found a synagogue much larger than his own. He says to the rabbi there "Rabbi, rabbi! My son has become a christian! Whatever shall I do?" In reply, the other rabbi tell him "Funny you should ask! My own son has…

An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem.. ...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could sav…

Couple went to Jerusalem... And the wife died there.. Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100. Man : I'll take the body home. Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot... Man : Nothing like that father..... Just that Jesus was buried here...... and he came alive the third day...

A man is vacationing in Jerusalem A man is vacationing in Jerusalem with his family when his stepmother gets very ill, the next day she passes away. The man asks for her body to be flew back to their home state to be buried there, but he finds out that it will cost $5000. He is given an offer to bury her right there in Jerusalem for only $150. The man thinks about it for a while, but eventually says he will pay the $5000 to ship her back home. A local walks up and is amazed, saying that he mu…

A guy is on vacation in Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law, when the mother-in-law unexpectedly passes away. Unsure of how to handle funeral proceedings so far from home, he asks a local funeral parlor in Jerusalem for advice. "Well sir, if you bury her here in Jerusalem, it will cost you about $150". "What about if I want to ship her body back to the U.S.?" - the guy asks "Well sir, that would cost approximately $20,000". The guy thinks about it for a little bit and says "you know w…

Jesus on the cross.. After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him. He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter. "Peteeer", he called through painful breaths, "Peeteerr". Peter, the must loy…

An archaeologist was digging in the desert outside Jerusalem... An archaeologist was digging in the desert outside Jerusalem, when he found a crude sarcophagus. On opening it, he discovered a mummy completely intact. On further investigation, he determined that he must have this mummy inspected by professionals, so he called a museum in Jerusalem and told the curator that he had just discovered a mummy that was about 3500 years old who surely died of a heart attack. The curator was skeptical, b…

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem. 'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.' 'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...' 'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who w…

Jesus walks in to an employment office The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?" "I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies "Can I ask what skills you have?" "Well I'm a qualified carpenter" The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer "Well I have two carpentry jobs, Jesus, one is in Edinburgh, big job, and it pays about £2000 per month! The other one I have is in Jerusalem, and get this Jesus, it pays £10,000 per month" Jesus mulls it ov…

What is that? An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bu…

An old Yiddish joke I read once in my granddad's book He passed, during the recent hurricane I went looking through his old books, most of which I tore through as a kid. An Orthodox Jewish man living in New York, he spends his life being entirely faithful to his God, his family... And raises his son to do the same. Finally on his son's 16th birthday, the father takes a massive amount of his savings from his bank, and sends his son on Birthright, a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. His son comes …

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with the pope in Rome. The pope listened to all the sins the mafia boss had committed. "I can give you absolution for your sins," the pope said "but let me b…