Captain Jokes

Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

If Captain America doesn't have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn't fighting for the America I want to live in.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now? Captain America: Um sure. Spiderman: What should I do? Iron Man: You're in charge of web design.

Captain America: I got the alert, what's the emergency? Avengers: Well, it's snowing, so... CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must've been really awkward.

Sure, I'll cook dinner. How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?

I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor" married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston...

You'd think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth. -thug life

Iron Man: I'll hack into their security. Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR! Thor: I'll silence their guards. Captain America: What's a microwave?

"Sir you can't bring your dog onto the plane" [labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat] "Omg captain I'm so sorry"

Deadpool was Green Lantern Batman was Daredevil Captain America was Human Torch And we're just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

"Act your age!" I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

I'd expect Captain America to be fatter.

Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America's shield. That's probably his weak point.

I invited Alan over for dinner. "Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he's Captain America?" *a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*