Captain Jokes

Captain Ahab's crew were highly efficient sailors In fact, they were running like a whale oiled machine.

How many ears does Captain Picard have? A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.

Captain Kidd prepared with his crew to search for buried treasure. Before setting out he consulted with his dentist, who advised him that all the best treasure out there was in the gold fillings of the teeth of various bodies, such as he might find in a cemetery or at the site of some battlefield. He kept this advice secret from his crew, and so when they landed on a desert island, they scattered, each using his own preferred means of treasure hunting, while Captain Kidd looked for cemeteries. H…

Q: What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship? A: Let's get on the ship, men!

What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship? Let's get on the ship, men!

Who was the most famous pirate octopus? Captain Squid!

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix the Flight Attendant came on with ""Ladies and Gentlemen please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.""

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: ""We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.""

A pirate walks into a bar... Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub. The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches, "Are you really a pirate?" he asks "Aye, lad, that I am. Captain Killigan at yer service." "Wow, so is all this stuff real? The hook and the leg and all?" "Aye, aye, and I'll tell ye the story of 'em all for a drink." Eager to hear his story, the m…

My flight was being served My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Ar…

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 81 years old. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site wa…

The Gay Flight Attendant A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the bigscary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic l…

Captain Bighead I used to work on boats and once worked with a Captain who possessed a humongous head, like a deformed watermelon. The lads used to call him a Sniper's Dream or the less imaginative title, Captain Bighead. One day I was talking to him about the perils of sailing and asked him what his biggest fear was. He turned, looked me straight in the eye and with his huge noggin blocking out the sun, he replied "Cap sizing"

Name one superhero that can beat Captain America... Captain Vietnam

A plane suddenly loses one of its engines “This is your Captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost one of our engines so we’ll be about 10 minutes late arriving at our destination,” announces the Captain. “Oh no!” Says a passenger. Then suddenly, another engine fails. “This is your Captain speaking. I’m afraid we have lost another one of our engines so we’ll be about 30 minutes late arriving at destination,” announces the Captain. “Another one?” The passenger says again. Suddenly the Captain…

Deficiency A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track." "What sort of question would you ask Doctor?" …

Why did Captain Hook cross the street? To get to the second hand store.

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship. He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.” The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.” The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.” The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.” Now the captain is mad. He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my c…

What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America? Star-Spangled Banner

Who can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam.

""Name one person that could beat Captain America"" Captain Vietnam

Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents? Because he was on the Nautilus...

captain mexico Always trying to take captain america's job.

How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand

Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone He already has an android