Phoenix Jokes

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say "you've got mail". Pretty sure I've landed in 1998.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don't come back they aren't a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I'm like a phoenix rising from molasses

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies... who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud says, ""Man, I wish we had something to drink!"" Jim says, ""Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fa…

Pack your Bags A woman was going to Los Angeles from New York City for an extended stay. With permission from the airline was permitted to bring five pieces of luggage. As the clerk was starting to take the luggage, the woman says, ""I would like you to send the first bag to Miami, the second bag to Chicago, the third bag to Dallas, the fourth bag to Phoenix and the fifth bag to Seattle."" The clerk says looks at her for a second, then types a few things in his computer, then looks back at the w…

Why is Phoenix such a great lawyer? Because he's ""Wright"" all the time.

Chapter 3: The attack of the Man-Ape! Two weeks have passed since that day at the dojo and each day passed as slowly as the one before it. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored it's not even funny. That butt-chinned boy has been as persistent as a fly; he's so annoying! I wish eh would just shoo off! Everyday he comes up to me and begs to be my disciple. He tries to woo me with his ""moves"" he tries repeatedly to show off his skills to me so I can take him in as my student. …

Step 1: Have Android phone - Step 2: Say ""Ok Google, what are people from Phoenix called?"" You're welcome

Hurricane Joaquin This Category 3 Storm is likely to hit the Eastern US this week. Good news for Arizona residents: you will not be affected by Joaquin, Phoenix.

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Cancer An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, ""I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that I have cancer and the doctor said I only have a month to live."" ""Pop, what are you talking about?"" the son screams. ""I don't really have the strength to talk right now,"" the old man says. ""I'm too sick to talk right now, so you call your sister in Chicago and let her know."" and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ""OH MY GOD! Th…

The inexperienced curry taster Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S. ""Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they tol…

So, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, right? I guess that's when the books started getting *dead Sirius*

A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, ""taking a selfie.""

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to t…

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, ""I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."" ""Pop, what are you talking about?"" the son screams. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"" the old man says. ""We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,"" and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on …

The Black Canyon Biker A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. …

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains justbecame too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the …

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says ""I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."" ""Pop what are you talking about?"" the son screams. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer"" the old man says ""We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her"" and he hangs up. Frantic the son calls his sister who explodes on the ph…

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mutant Barbie ...Professor Xavier's daughter: bald as a billiard ball wearing a Dark Phoenix costume

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix the Flight Attendant came on with ""Ladies and Gentlemen please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.""

Order of the Phoenix is my favourite Harry Potter book Dead serious.

Divorce An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on…

10 speed A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the o…

A Father decides to get a divorce An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York.