Pirate Jokes

ME: Don't you see, the treasure is our friendship PIRATE: ...Aye ME: P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn't ya

cop: "you kinda look like one that's all" me: "in no way am i a pirate" cop: "hmm, are you sure?" parrot on my shoulder: "did he stutter?"

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. In many cases this will mean showing up to the interview in a pirate suit.

One time a baby threw up in my mouth & it still wasn't as disgusting as Nicholas Cage's haircut in National Treasure 2.

Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.

Your password must contain 9 letters, a treasure map, Drakes social security # & the sound Marv made on Home Alone when he stepped on a nail

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*

ME: Eat your lemon PIRATE: No ME: It stops scurvy PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye] ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon] PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]

Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that's still in your mouth, You're going as a pirate for Halloween.

The Pirate Bay's founders go to jail, while the folks who make guns & cigarettes eat caviar in yachts. Legal system working as intended.

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

[high seas] FIRST MATE: I can't wait to see my wife again PIRATE: Land Ho! FIRST MATE: Now look, that's a little rude

"What'd you do today" "Went on a treasure hunt" "I hope you mean job hunt" "Treasure hunt" "You need to find a job" "Not if I find treasure"

I'd like to be a double agent. Or maybe a single agent/pirate. Maybe even a velociraptor. Definitely a velociraptor/pirate agent.

How do u make a Pirate angry? Take the P out of him.

*looks at fish tank 6: It's part cat and part fish? Me: No it's just a fish *Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

It must have been so risky for pirates to slightly burn the edges of all their treasure maps and then dip them in tea.

[pirate ship capturing another ship] Pirate: Prepare to be bored! Other Captain: Don't you mean boarded? *pirate opens stamp collection*

Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.

-THAR SHE BLOWS *she stops* Does he REALLY have to be in here? "My seeing-eye pirate? Yes" But this is so intima- "Fill the balloons, Susan"

I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.

I always keep an old key and a map with random X's all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.

Me (digging a hole): how's this? My clone: at least 6 feet deeper Me: you sure there's treasure? My Clone: toss me up your keys bud