cop: "you kinda look like one that's all" me: "in no way am i a pirate" cop: "hmm, are you sure?" parrot on my shoulder: "did he stutter?"

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*

*looks at fish tank 6: It's part cat and part fish? Me: No it's just a fish *Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me