Pirate Jokes

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me

My goldfish died. The good news is I'm inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

bury me in a dog park so i can be some dogs treasure

I wonder if girls on dates in the 1800's got mad at guys for checking their treasure maps.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

[opens treasure chest & it's full of treasure] Me: whoa Friend: what is it? Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

[pirate ship] Pirate: Walk the plank Me: *struts down like nobody's business* Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you're one of us now

It must have been very risky for pirates to slightly burn all the edges of their treasure maps and then dip them in tea.

Before I die, I'm putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames. My grand children will be so pwned.

I find it insulting that Arby's mascot isn't a pirate bee.

[high seas] FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack PIRATE: Arr! FIRST MATE: Oh sorry...the men "are" ready to attack

A pirate walks into a bar... The bartender says, ""are you aware that there is a wheel in your pants?"" The pirate replies, ""AAARGGHH it's driving me nuts!""

pirate joke I saw a pirate walking down the street and he had a paper towel on his head so I said ""what's with the paper towel."" he said ""arrgh got a Bounty on me head.""

""One man's trash is another man's treasure"" it's a great saying... but a terrible way to tell your kids that they're adopted.

Three explorers are in Egypt (long) and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: ""Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death."" He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end of the hallway, another door. Behind that door is a room full of treasure, so he takes as much as he can carry and leaves. He enters the hallway and walks about …

Bad pirate jokes! I'll start. What be a pirate's favorite restaurant? You'd think it was Arby's, but it's actually Long John Silver's.

A pirate ship is sailing across the Atlantic.. When suddenly the lookout shouts, ""Enemy ship heading our way!"" The captain, as soon as he hears this, tells his first mate to go grab his red coat. After they defeated the enemy, his first mate asks what the red coat was for. The captain responds, ""Whenever I go into battle with my crew, I don't want them to lose morale by seeing my blood stain me, so I wear this coat to hide my wounds from them."" The next day the lookout warns them, ""There's …

Balls to you. A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a well-off family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished. Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink …

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said ""I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."" The man agreed, and said ""I wish I had a mansion."" The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said ""I would like a million dollars."" The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, ""Scare me half to death.""

So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months... but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain "" arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??"" and the captain responds"" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it."" so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain "" captain! t…

The Secret of the Red Shirt Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade. One day, the lookout shouted, ""Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!"". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, ""Boy, bring me my red shirt!"". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines. Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same…

So a pirate walks into his favorite restaurant... ...and one of his friends comes up to him. His friend notices that he now has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye-patch, none of which he had before. The pirates friend approaches and says: ""Wow! You look different, where did you get that peg leg?' The pirate responds: ""Oh I was just at a battle at sea, when a cannonball from the enemy ship struck my leg, but the doctor put on the peg leg, now I'm fine. Then the friend asks: ""Well what about the hoo…

Sailor walks up to a Pirate in a bar... ...offers to buy the pirate a drink if he tells him the tales of his hook, pegleg, and eye patch. The pirate agrees, but to one drink per tale. Sailor buys him a drink, and says, well, why don't you start with the pegleg? Pirate takes a long swig, leans forward and says ""SHARK!"" Sailor nods... opens his mouth, and the pirate interrupts him ""...as I said, shark took me leg; we was in heavy seas, attempting to take a ship, I be slashed and spashed o'r the…