[Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he's already fought vampires once this year.

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, ""Convert to Catholicism and get $100"". One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, ""Murray, what's going on?"" ""Abe,"" replies Murray, ""I'm thinking of doing it."" Abe says, ""What are you, crazy?"" Murray thinks for a minute and says, ""Abe, I'm going to do it."" With that, Murray strides purposefully…

Abe and Eva just aren't cutting it in bed... Ok. My last joke bombed. BOMBED. . Ok. So Abe and Eva? They're not quite getting the ol' magical finale in bed as they used to. After so many years of marriage, Eva isn't cresting the mountaintop. This concerns the pair of them, so they decide to visit their Rabbi for advice. . ""Rabbi?"" Abe asks. ""I just can't seem to bring Eva to climax anymore. And I know (as the Talmud says) that it is my responsibility to please my wife, so what can I do? I've …