A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor's advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the door that said : * Sip on the vodka, don't gulp * There are 10 commandments, not 12 * There are 12 disciples, not 10 * Jesus was consecrated, not constipated * Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass * We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. * The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook * David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him * When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say that he was stoned off his ass * We do not refer to the cross as the ""Big T""