Peter Jokes

Each man gives a story Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th …

The day of The Crucifixion comes. Jesus is having a really bad day. He suffers the accusations, the flaying, the denials, then gets marched out of town to spend the rest of the day on a plank of wood. He's up there, pretty bummed out. Eventually, Peter comes before Jesus where he hangs, looks up to him and says, weeping. ""....<moan>...oh..oh Lord. I'm so sorry. For everything, it's so...I m-mean, you were RIGHT! You were right about everything! You said you would be betrayed, you said I w…

3 nuns three nuns are driving along when the are hit by a truck and killed instantly. they arrive at the pearly gates and meet peter to asses their sins. Peter says ""because you are of the cloth we have a special practice, that fountain over there will wash away one sinful act..."" Before he can complete the sentence the oldest nun takes her cane and clubs her nearest companion over the head and follows through catching the second in the belly then rushes of to the fountain and proceeds to garg…

James Bond crashes. James Bond was driving his car with a very high speed when suddenly he lost control and went out of the road rolling down the hill. After some time he woke up, slowly went out of the car and suddenly he saw an old man with white beard standing next to him. Bond beaten the dust out of his clothes fixed his hair and said his famous phrase: - Bond, James Bond. - I'm Peter - said the old man - Saint Peter.

A long ""little Johnny"" joke... (nsfw) One day, little Johnny was at school when a little girl asked him if she could go home with him. He said no. She replied, ""I'll scream bloody *mur^derrrr* "" (singing voice) So Johnny agrees and they go to his house. While there, Johnny says he has to eat dinner so the girl has to go home. ""Can I eat dinner with you?"" ""No."" ""But I'll scream bloody *mur^derrrr* "" So Johnny says, ""Fine"" and they go to eat dinner. After dinner, Johnny tells the girl …

A bad joke about religion. Johannes Gutenberg is tinkering in his shop when St. Peter walks in. ""Behold! My newest invention! The printing press!"" He proclaims. ""What does it do?"" St. Peter asks. ""It makes books easier to print! It only takes a single person to operate."" ""Have you no sense of compassion, Gutenberg? Think of all the poor scribes you'll put out of work!"" ""Nonsense, Pete. They'll have more time for studying instead of mindless scribbles."" ""That's all fine, Gutenberg,"" s…

A train hits a bus full of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "" Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, ""Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."" St. Peter says, "" Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."" St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, ""Jennifer, have you ever had any c…

Story for St. Peter Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day and they only let in a certain amount per day so St. Peter says, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I c…

Three nuns die and go to heaven... ...where St. Peter greets them and informs them that in order to get into heaven, they must answer a question apeice. The first nun, who happens to be a novice nun, goes first. ""For you,"" says Peter, ""an easy question, because of your short time as a nun. Who were the first two people?"" ""That's easy,"" replies the nun excitedly. ""Adam and Eve."" ""Congratulations,"" says Peter, ""You're in."" He beckons the second nun forward. The second nun has been with…

Heaven getting too full. (worth the read) Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I…

Steven Spielberg dies and goes to heaven. He's greeted at the gates by Peter who informs him that God is a big fan of his work. He begins with a tour of the place and goes on to mention that if Steven needs anything to just say the word. ""We'll, I'd love to meet Stanley Kubrick,"" Steven admits. ""I'm sorry, but as you may know, Mr. Kubrick doesn't take meetings,"" Peter replies. They continue on their tour until Steven notices a man with a beard, wearing an Army jacket and riding around on a b…

3 young lads trying to get into heaven. One Christmas eve three young fellas were out on the crawl drinking and partying. All at once a bus came and killed them outright. They came to St Peter at the pearly gates and he told them there was no entry unless they had a Christmassy item to give him. The first fella rumaged in his pockets and pulled out his keys, he shook them and said, 'These are Christmas bells.' The second man pulled out his lighter, held the flame in the air and said, 'It is the …

The new priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. The Bishop replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday the priest took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he …

In line at The Pearly Gates... are 3 men. The first approaches St. Peter who says,""Tell me, what did you do in life?"" The man explains that he was a priest. St. Peter shakes his hand and ushers him to a waiting escort. The second man steps up. The same question is asked and he explains that he was a doctor. Again he receives a simple hand shake and a single escort. The third man steps forward and explains that he was a lawyer. Suddenly Peter gets very excited. A band comes rushing out of the g…

Three little old ladies die in a car crash... When they get to heaven, St. Peter is waiting to welcome them. ""Welcome, ladies,"" says Peter. ""We only have one rule up here, don't step on the ducks."" The three little old ladies look around and notice there are ducks everywhere, thousands of them. ""Why all the ducks?"" asks the first little old lady. ""God really likes ducks. Trust me, don't step on one,"" says Peter. The three little old ladies set off to explore paradise. They find it really…

Two couples go camping in the woods... Bob and Peter decide to take their wives on a camping trip. When they get to the campsite, Bob says, ""Hey Peter, since your wife has never been camping before, why don't I teach her how to set up camp while you take my wife to get firewood."" Peter agrees and he and Bob's wife go out into the forest to get firewood. Bob gets Peter's wife started on setting up the tents and decides to get some water for the campsite. While Peter's wife sets up the tents a s…

So there was this zebra.... ... And he wanted to know if he was white with black stripes or black with white stripes. So, he asked St. Peter. St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but I can't answer that question for you. You'll have to go ask God.' Then the zebra made the long, arduous, and perilous journey up to heaven to talk to God. He asked God, 'God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?' God simply said, 'You are what you are.' 'Well hmmph,' said the zebra with a huff, 'Fat lot…

So three mice get into Heaven... And they are greeted by St. Peter. Peter says to them ""Because you lived good lives, each of you gets one wish."" They say to Peter ""We spent our entire lives running from predators, and our legs got very tired. Can you give us skateboards to get around?"" Peter obliges, and they get three skateboards. About a week later, Peter is checking in on everybody in Heaven. He runs into the cat that died about a month earlier, and he asks how he is doing. The cat says …

After the resurrection, Jesus was hanging out with Peter, fishing....... Jesus says, ""I feel like performing a miracle. What should I do?"" Peter says, ""How about the walking-on-water gig?"" Jesus agrees, steps out of the boat, and slowly starts sinking as he walks around. Peter helps him back into the boat and asks, ""Why didn't it work this time?"" Jesus replies, ""I'm not sure, maybe it's the holes in my feet.""

The pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... The pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates with the gates being shut and St. Peter nowhere to be found. He starts loudly calling for him and finally after a couple of minutes of desperate yelling a white dove flies over to him. ""What do you want, human?"" asks the dove in a human voice ""Why, I've been a proper Christian my whole life and an earthly succesor of the St. Peter's leadership of all the Christians. And I want to get to heaven! Wher…

Two zombies, Greg and John, are sitting in the cemetery. Greg says: ""Didn`t Peter also want to come?"" John answers: ""Yes, but he is late.""

[Long] Story about soldier and friend A soldier named Peter is deployed overseas for war and stay in contact with his friend Ben by writing letters. In the first letter to the soldier: Dear Pete: I'm sorry to say, but your favorite cat Fluffy keeled over dead yesterday. Sincerely, Ben Peter is obviously shocked and writes back to his friend. Dear Ben: I can't believe your last letter. Here I am trying to cope with a war, and I get this letter from you just telling me that Fluffy keeled over dead…

Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'

Jesus has been crucifixed and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them a wish before he ascends into heaven. The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says ""Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool"". Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Gallilee in Peter's boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water. He immediately disappears under the surface and th…

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that P…