Peter Jokes

3 men are in line to get into heaven St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up. Peter says, ""You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"" So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates. Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, ""Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Accord!"" He gets into his car and drives through the gates. Peter calls the third man up and s…

Jesus Christ is covered in blood, dying on the cross.. his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, come hither!"" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, come hither!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier d…

A man walks up to the pearly gates... ""What brings you here, sir?"" asks St. Peter ""An incredibly long and arduous fight with the big C"" replied the man. ""The big C?"" ""Cancer"" said the man, solemly. ""Well we have a space for you in gods kingdom, please enter and enjoy unknown spoils for all eternity"" said Peter, opening the gates. Just then a old lady appeared on the expanse of white clouds before Peter. ""What brings you here, my dear?"" ""St. Peter, I lived a long, happy life, but it …

Donald Trump's Clock It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around. St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks. ""What's up with those clocks, Peter?"" ""Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."" The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tell…

Heavenly Marital Help Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. ""Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."" Six months pass and Peter returns. ""Yes, we can do this for you."" The couple asks, ""Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"" To which St. Pet…

Three Men Were Standing In Line To Get Into Heaven Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-han…

A girl asks a boy: ""Peter, how much do you love me?"" The boy looks her in the eyes, ""Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."" The girl is confused, ""But it's morning, there are no stars?"" Boy nods, ""Exactly!""

Why is Peter pan always flying? Because he NEVERLANDS. This joke is great because it never grows old.

Jesus on the cross Jesus Christ is nailed to the cross and the disciples are gathered around, crying. Jesus calls to Peter, ""Peter, come here!"" Peter goes over to the cross, only to be hit by the roman guards. He stands up and wants to return to the other disciples and Jesus calls to him again. ""Peter, come here!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and says if Peter comes back they will but his arms and legs off. Peter is getti…

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Peter lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him ""you are driving me crazy, Peter""... One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career... The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son o…

""Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."" ""Peter, you've reposted that joke for over 8 years now, please stop flooding the subreddit with that.""

Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister? Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister? Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself.

Peter and Janice have been married for many years and they have 3 beautiful daughters ... ... that look so good they could easily pass off as being super-models. But Peter has always wanted a son and Janice has agreed to one last child hoping for a son. She then gets pregnant, they find out it is a boy then 9 months later she gives birth to a healthy boy. But when Peter looks at his son he see's the ugliest child ever. He then says to his wife ""Honey, thanks for the boy but how could you give b…

Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, ""Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go"". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, ""What…

Jesus and Saint Peter are playing a round of golf... They approach a par four that bends left around a small pond then straight to the green. Saint Peter decides to play it safe and hit to the turn then layup to the green. Jesus then tees up and looks left over the pond toward the green. JC:""What do you think Peter? Think I can make it to the green in one over the pond""? SP: lol Mac:""Well what would Arnold Palmer do?"" SP: ""Well, Arnold Palmer would make it on in one with his 7 iron from her…

Peter spends the weekend in London seeing his friend. Several things occur that leaves his friend wondering whether or not he's gay. On the day he leaves, at the train station, his friend wonders whether or not he should ask him if he's gay before the train departs. He shouts loud enough to ask him, ""Peter, are you gay?"" Peter just waves outside his window and tells him, ""Bye!""

John and Peter John: Dude my girlfriend is pregnant, but I use a condom every time. Peter: Come here my dear friend and I will explain it to you John: Ok. Peter: A man went into the jungle with an umbrella. He saw a tiger coming right at him. He touched the button of his umbrella and the tiger died. John: Haha!But that's impossible. Maybe someone else shot the tiger. Peter: Exactly..

Drawing game Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one student starts drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it. She thinks and decides not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty and always has some ""unusual"" pictures in mind. So she starts with Anne. Anne: ""This is our house"". /\ / \ / \ / \ | | | | | | Teacher: ""Good Anne!"" and asks Peter to draw next: Peter: ""This is our house's door"". /\ / \ / \ / \ | | |…

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross... ... and his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter, looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, Peter, come!"". Peter rushes over to the cross, only to have his right arm cut off by the roman guard. He gets up and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, Peter, come!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's othe…

A Muslim goes to Heaven and meets Saint Peter at the Gate. He looks at Peter and says ""This has to be a mistake. I demand to see prophet Mohamed right now!"" Saint Peter says ""Calm down. Would you like a coffee or a cappuccino or something to drink?"" The Muslim says ""No, thanks. But I don't think I'm supposed to be here."" Peter responds ""Alright, I'll let you sort this out with the manager here. You can enter until then."" The Muslim enters Heaven which is beautiful. He sees Jesus across t…

A man dies and goes to heaven... St. Peter welcomes him and shows him many many clocks. ""There is a clock for every person on the Earth"" says St. Peter ""The hand moves a bit if the person lies. We even have all the politicians here. Obama, Bush and Trump."" ""And where is Hilary Clinton's clock?"" Asks the man. Peter answers: ""It's in my office, I use it as a fan.""

""Peter, you will deny me three times before the sun rises."" Jesus said in the Bible. ""No, I won't"" Peter replied.   ""Yes, you will.""   ""No, I won't, my Lord!""   ""Yes, you WILL!""   ""No, I WON'T! ...wait""

maggie thatcher goes to hell. Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. ""Name,"" says St. Peter. ""Margaret Thatcher,"" she replies. St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name of the former British leader. ""I am sorry,"" he says, ""you cannot come in. Your place is downstairs, in Hell. Mrs. Thatcher turns and walks down the stairs. A short time later the ph…

A man dies in a car accident, and goes to Heaven When he walks past the Pearly Gates, he is greeted by St. Peter, and they walk into a house together. The man sees a wall with a bunch of clocks on it. He asks, ""What are all those clocks doing there?"" Peter replies, ""Those are *Lie Clocks*. Every time someone lies, the clock ticks once."" The man looks at his clock, and it reads about 1:15. After looking at all the clocks, he says, ""Uh, sir? Just asking, but where is Hillary Clinton's clock?"…

Jesus loves Peter After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him. He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter. ""Peteeer....,"" he called through painful breaths, ""Peeteerr...."" Peter, the must …