Peter Jokes

When Mother Theresa died and got to the Pearly Gates, she was stopped by St Peter. He told her, ""Before I let you in, I need to ask you a few questions."" As he was saying this, Mother Theresa looks over his shoulder and sees Princess Di. She exclaims to Peter, ""Why am I out here answering questions after everything I've done in my life and Princess Di is already inside with a halo on her head?"" Peter looks over his shoulder, then turns to Mother Theresa and say's, ""That ain't a halo, it's a…

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, come hither!"" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, come hither!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and …

Advice for the new guy A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass,…

Two spiders are at another spiders funeral. ""Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."" ""Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"" ""Starvation.""

My favorite Jesus joke Jesus had just been crucified and a crowd was gathering near the cross. Among the crowd was Peter, silently praying. Suddenly Peter heard someone whisper ""Hey, Peter"". Confused, Peter looked around to see who was talking. He didn't see anyone who would be talking to him so he went back to praying. Again he heard the whisper, ""Hey, Peter!"" He looked up at the cross and saw it was Jesus talking. Then he hears ""Peter! Come here!"" As Peter starts walking to the cross peo…

Three men die on Christmas Day As they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he explains that because they died on such an important day, in order to get into heaven, they need to show him something Christmas-y. They all look at each other, knowing that they don't have anything festive on them, so they would have to improvise. So the first man digs into his pockets, and pulls out a set of keys, and he shakes them and says, ""See? They jingle like jingle bells."" So Peter tells him that will work a…

Three nuns die and go to the pearly gates St. Peter stops them at the gate. ""Okay, I know you're nuns, but you all must answer a biblical question before I allow you in."" He turns to the first nun. ""Who was the first man?"" She waves her hand. ""Ooh, thats an easy one. Adam!"" ""That's correct!"" Peter says, and then trumpets blare and the gates swing open. The first nun enters. The gates close. Peter turns to the 2nd nun. ""Who was the first woman?"" The 2nd nun waves her hand. ""Ooh, thats …

What is Peter Pan's favorite place to eat? Wendy's

Three men in line to Heaven Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my …

A man named John dies and goes to heaven. He arrives at the pearly gates and sees Peter. John goes up to Peter and says ""Where's God?"" Peter replies, ""The Lord has some business to do so I'm filling in for him. Do you want to take a tour of heaven?"" John says ""Sure!"" Peter and John go around heaven and see everything there is to see. John sees his childhood pet, his great-grandmother, and even says hi to Abraham Lincoln. In the final part of the tour, Peter takes John into an enormous room…

A guy shows up at the Pearly Gates [Long] Saint Peter welcomes him and says, ""Welcome! Before I let you into heaven, I'd like to look over your life actions to see if you were a good person."" The guy agrees and Peter opens his book. Saint Peter looks very concerned one moment, then very confused the next moment, and eventually the guy asks if there's a problem. ""Well, I'm troubled that I can't find one single good deed you've done in your whole life. That doesn't help you out. But I'm confuse…

A priest and a rabbi show up at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, ""Can I help you boys?"" ""Well, yeah, we just died and we would like to come in to Heaven."" Peter looks at his clipboard and says, ""I don't think so. You have been pretty bad on Earth and we don't let people like that in here. But I'll tell you what; go ahead and go to Hell, just for now. If Satan will let you come back, I will let you in."" Peter sends them away laughing, because Satan never lets anyone go to Heaven. About 10 minu…

Black man at heavens gate It was the Summer of 1968 and a black man showed up at the Pearly Gates. Peter comes out and says, ""Uh, is there something I can do for you? I mean, we don't let blacks in here."" ""I know,"" said the black man, ""It's just that, I am from Alabama, and I grew up around White folks, and I like White folks, and I even married a White woman, so I thought maybe I could get in."" Peter said, ""Wait, you say you married a White woman in Alabama? When the hell was this?"" The…

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ' Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.' St. Peter asks the next girl the same question 'Jennifer, have you ever had any cont…

Peter and David were lost in the Sahara, hungry and thirsty ... When they found some men in their tents. Happy, they went to ask for food and shelter. An arab man asked them : what are your names? Peter replied Peter, but David, in fear, replied Mohamed. The arab man said: Well Peter, come with me i'll get you something to eat, and as you know Mohamed, it's ramadan, our holy month of fasting, you'll have to wait nine hours to eat, in the meantime you can sleep in my tent.

Fidel Castro Dies and Goes to Heaven Castro finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there, surprised to see him. He says, ""Fidel, you've done so many awful things in your life, how did you get here?"" Castro says, ""It was the Pope. He blessed me and told me I must have been chosen by God, so I was certainly going to heaven."" ""Chosen by God? No, that can't be right. Why would he say that?"" So Castro tells him the story: ""When Pope John Paul visited Havana in 1998, I personally welco…

In heaven, in order to see what vehicle you will be given, Peter must ask you a question... The first man comes up, and Peter asks, ""Have you ever cheated on your wife?"" The man answers, ""no never!"" Peter replies, ""ok, you get a Rolls Royce."" A second man comes up, Peter asks him the same question and he answers, ""well once or twice, but only in the first year!"" ""Ok, you get a Buick"" A third man comes up, Peter asks him the question, and he answers, ""yeah, but not the last year!"" ""O…

Holiday Joke Three polocks were walking down the street when they got hit by a truck.They all died and went to the gates of heaven where Saint Peter was waiting. Saint Peter said ok, I've got to give you a quiz to make sure you're good enough to get into heaven. So Peter ask the first polock ""What is Easter""? The first polock gets excited and says ""I know this one...that's when the guy with the big red suit comes down from the chimney""...BOOM! ...a bolt of lightning hits the polock and insta…

Peter is staring up at Jesus on the cross. Suddenly their eyes meet and Jesus calls out, ""Peter! Peter!"" Peter runs to the foot of the cross but he is beaten and forced back by the Roman guards. Once again he looks up when he hears his savior cry, ""Peter. Peter."" Jesus's voice is much weaker now and that spurs Peter up the hill to the foot of the cross where he is again beaten and forced back down the hill. ""Peter... Peter."" The voice is very weak now and in desperation Peter fights his wa…

An Irishman, a Jew and a Catholic Priest are waiting at the Gates of Heaven. Peter looks over their files and proclaims that they had lead more or less decent lives besides each having indulged in a single sin. ""So here's what I'll do I send you back to Earth and if you can keep yourselves from committing the same sin for 24 hours I'll let you in."" And poof! They're back in the land of the living, strolling down main street. The trio looks for a place to hunker down for the next 24 hours, whe…

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, ""Religion?"" The man says, ""Methodist."" St. Peter looks down his list, and says, ""Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. ""Religion?"" ""Baptist."" ""Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" A third man arrives at the gates. ""Religion?"" ""Jewish."" ""Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" The man says, ""I can understand there being different rooms…

Three men in line for heaven... Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came int…

Entrance to Heaven Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. ""In order to get in,"" he tells them, ""you must each produce something representative of the holidays."" The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. ""This represents a candle of hope."" Impressed, Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. ""These are bells."" He's allowed in too. ""So,"" Peter says to the third man, ""what do yo…

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day... Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I c…

An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates... for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book. Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out. Jesus says ""Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."" The old man says ""Well, I only had one child, a son."" Jesus smiles and says ""Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."" The man says ""I was a... some kind of wood-worker or carpenter.…