Peter Jokes

A milkman is dying in the hospital He's surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife, and a nurse. He turns to his family and says: "Peter, my eldest, I leave you the villas in Beverly Hills. Samantha, my beautiful daughter, to you I give the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza. Charlie, my youngest son, I see a long and bright future in you, so I leave the city center offices to you. And my dear wife, the three residential towers in downtown are all yours." The nurse hears all of this and…

Priest Peter arrives at Heaven's Gates. A priest named Peter was a really great man to God. Always faithful and hard-working. One day, he passed away of old age, and went to the Heaven's Gates. Besides him was a really drunk bus driver (like, a really bad driver) who died the same day. Since Peter was thinking that the bus driver may not get a chance to enter heaven, he gave him the front place, saying "You can go before me, no problem." When the bus driver was going for the ga…

The psychiatrist who diagnoses with children's names The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions, " she told them. To the first one she said, "Your obsession is eating and you even named your child 'Candy.'" To the second she said, "Your obsession is money and you even named your child 'Penny.'" At that point, the third mother got up and taking her son by the hand said, "Let's go, Peter."

A guy dies and is standing before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven… …St. Peter tells him, “We’re getting REALLY full in here, so please tell me something that you have done in your life that’s completely unselfish and deserving of getting into Heaven.” The guy says, “Well, one day I was driving along a backroad when I came across a young woman that was being threatened by a group of bikers. I got in between them and the woman and said, ‘If you want you to touch her, you’ll have to kill me firs…

Horse and chicken are hanging in farmer Brown's yard. Horse laid down in great big mud puddle to cool off. He took a nap and when he woke, he was sunk to his haunches and couldn't get up. "He-e-e-lp me chicken! I'm stuck! Go get farmer brown to pull me out with the tractor." 《Buak》" can't do it. Farmer brown's out plowing the back 40. It'll take me all day. But i gotcha." Chicken jumped in farmer brown's wife's bmw and backed up to horse. He threw a harness on horse and tied it off to the …

One-liners from the old version of Hollywood Squares It's 1977, I'm 9 years old. My mom and dad are roaring with laughter and I don't understand what's so funny. Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected. Q. Do female frogs …

Teacher: Now, Peter, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Peter: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Johnny is at it again. Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast. To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G' 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T? 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: 'I had Feck All', he says, ' F-E-C-K-A-L-L'. The tea…

Jesus goes to Led Zeppelin concert in hell Jesus hears there is a led zeppelin concert in hell and really wants to go. He asks God if he can go and after some negotiations God agrees but only if saint Peter goes along. So Jesus and Peter go, they have a blast and on the way back Jesus says to Peter: - Wouldn't it be great if we could get them to sing in Heaven also? Can you call them and ask? Peter dials the number, asks, nods a few times, a few "yes", " ok" , " I understand" and hangs up. …

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found…

A couple was going to get married… but unfortunately they had a car crash and died. Before the gates of St Peter they stood thinking maybe they could get married in heaven. So they ask St Peter, and Peter says ”Well it’s quite rare, but let me see what I can do.” So St Peter goes into heaven. As the couple sits for a couple of months waiting for an answer, they begin doubting whether they should, considering the eternal aspects. Another month goes by and finally St Peter emerges from heaven, ve…

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. ​ He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put …

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash… They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven. “Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter is, I will gladly open these gates for you.” The three monks look at each other and nod in agreement. Monk 1 proudly claims to Peter, “Oh! Yes! Easter! Big man, …

After a 2000 year absence, the Virgin Mary takes a trip down to earth. ​ After a couple of days, she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I met a man." Peter says to her, "That's not bad. This is how it is down on earth." The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I kissed the man. Is that bad?" Peter says to her, "No, that's part of life on earth." The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is Mary."

Three couples on vacation die together in an accident They ascend to heaven and fly up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter is waiting for them. The first couple floats up to St. Pete and the husband asks, “St. Peter, do we get into heaven?” St. Peter responds, “Unfortunately, sir, you spent your entire life in the pursuit of money, so much so, that you married a woman named Penny, so no, it’s the other place for you.” They sadly fall away as the second couple floats over and the husband ask, “…

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, \- "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, \- "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The…

What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common? They both lead Russia to the 18th century.

Two men entered heaven… and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life” the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.” Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter the holy gates of the Silver City!” Harry then said, “Aw nice one geezer, cheers!” and walked through the golden gates. Saint Peter then said, “And who might you be?” to the second man…

The consultant dies and goes to heaven When he meets Peter at the Gate, he protests: 'I am only 53, why did you take me so early?' 'You're 83, Peter replied, it was time.' 'How did you get that number, I know I am 53 and I have my birth certificate to prove it,' the consultant replied. 'We added up your time sheets', Peter said.'

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident… The couple themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple…

Three nuns die and come before St. Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomes them and says that they need to answer a biblical question to be admitted into Heaven. He says to the first nun, “Who was the first man?” The nun replies, “Why that would be Adam”. St Peter pushes a button and ding-ding-ding, the gates open and she goes in. Bong-bong-bong and the gates close. St. Peter says to the second nun, “Who was the first woman”. She answers, “I know, it was Eve”. St Peter pushes a button and din…

As Jesus hangs from the cross… he calls down to Peter, “Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you”. Peter attempts to climb the hill to see Jesus, but before he gets to the top the guards stop him, beat him bloody, and send him away. The next day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. “Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you”. Peter climbs the hill, almost makes it to Jesus, but the guards grab him just before he can hear the lords message. This time , they beat him near to…

What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat out? Wendy's

Jesus requested a pitcher of water so that he might turn it into wine Peter said "Lord, why can't you buy a round like everyone else?"

I told my wife I’m going to start calling her Peter the Apostle. After she denied me three times.