Peter Jokes

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, ""I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer."" The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, ""How long were you married?"" He answered, ""24 years."" ""Did you ever cheat on your wife?"", St. Peter asked. The guy said, ""Yeah, 7 times ... …

Jesus was nailed to the cross. He said ""Peter, come forth"". Peter walks up, Jesus waves his hand and he is healed. Next he says ""Mary, come forth"" But Mary came fifth and won a toaster.

Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, ""The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."" The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, ""What on earth does Jesus mean -- 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'"" Peter said, ""Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas.""

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: ""Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?"" Michael: ""Just a minute, I have to go pee."" Teacher: ""That would be rude and impolite!!! Teacher: ""What about you Peter, how would you say it?"" Peter: ""I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."" Teacher: ""That's better, but it's still not very n…

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ""They're bells."" Saint Peter said you may pass …

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, ""What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"" The lawyer thought a moment, then said, ""A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."" Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, ""Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."" The Lawyer said, ""Wait, wait! There's more! Three yea…

Daniel and Ginny are walking down the street one evening. As they pass one house, they hear loud shouting and crashes inside. Peter and Elizabeth Jones live there and are having a fierce argument. At the height of the quarrel, Peter picks up a table lamp, rips it out of the wall, and hurls it at Elizabeth. Elizabeth ducks, and the lamp flies past her through the window. It sails over Daniel and Ginny's heads. Daniel looks up and exclaims, ""Soft! What light through yonder window breaks!""

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, ""Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"" The guy replies, ""I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."" Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, ""Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."" The taxi-driv…

Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. ""Kids,"" they say, ""you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of."" With that, they send their children forth to find mates. A few months later the first daughter returns. ""Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho."" ""Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, P…

Who were the shortest people in the Bible? Let's see. There'sKneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height...oh, and Peter, who said, ""Silver andgold I have none,"" and no one could be much shorter than that.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The Reve…

Heaven Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. ""Why, Peter,"" Jesus said. ""You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."" As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired …

School Principal: I've called you into my office Peter because I want to talk to you about two words I wish you wouldn't use so often. One is ""great"" and the other is ""lousy."" Peter: Certainly sir. What are they?

One night Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked ""If I died would you remarry?"" Peter thought for a second then said ""Yeah I guess I would"". Then his the wife asked ""well would you have her as your golfing partner?"" Peter replied ""yep I probably would do that too"". ""But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?!"" she cried. Peter looked at her and said ""Nah shes left handed.""

One day at the entrance to heaven St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first St. Peter ran to God and said ""God there are some evil thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?"". God replied ""Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."" St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling ""God God they're gone they're gone!"" ""Who the New Yorkers?"". ""No the Pearly…

This 85 year old couple having been married almost 60 years had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they ""oohed and aahed"" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ""It's free"" Peter replied ""this is Heaven."" Next they went out …

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says ""get in get in!"" The religous man replies "" no I have faith in God he will grant me a miracle."" Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high another boat comes to rescue him but he turns down the offer again cause ""God will grant him a mirac…

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks ""Religion?"" The man says ""Methodist."" St. Peter looks down his list and says ""Go to room 24 but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. ""Religion?"" ""Baptist."" ""Go to room 18 but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" A third man arrives at the gates. ""Religion?"" ""Jewish."" ""Go to room 11 but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" The man says ""I can understand there being different rooms for d…

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated Peter says ""Look everybody does somethin…

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him ""What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"" The Lawyer thought a moment then said ""A week ago I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."" Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said ""Well that's fine but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."" The Lawyer said ""Wait Wait! There's mor…

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day though so Peter had to tell the first one ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment I could tel…

Racist St. Peter Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks …

Jack and Will are driving home together... ...on the way home they get in a car crash and both die. Jack ends up at the pearly gates without Will. Jack walks up to St. Peter and says, "where is my good friend Will." St. Peter says, "Sorry, but will didn't make it to heaven. Jack asks if he can see Will one last time. St. Peter parts the clouds and Jack looks down into hell and sees Will with a keg in one arm and a beautiful blonde is the other. Jack turns to St. Peter and says, "you know,…

A zebra died and went to heaven... Upon reaching the Pearly Gates he is greeted by Saint Peter. "Welcome, my creature, to the Kingdom of Heaven! Before entering I will answer one question your mortal body may have been concerned with!" Peter says. The zebra, who had always had one question on his mind, immediately asks, "I have been wondering this for quite some time, am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?" Saint Peter takes a second to ponder the question, and fin…

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven... ...he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Forrest, to get into heaven, you're going to need to answer three questions. 1. How many days of the week start with the letter T? 2. How many seconds are there in a year? 3. What is God's first name? Forrest thinks long and hard about these three questions. Finally, he goes up to the angel and says, "I've got my answers sir." Peter: "Okay, Forrest. How many days of the week start with the letter T?" F…