Peter Jokes

A college professor dies... A college professor dies, and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where he is met by St. Peter. Peter tells the professor that he can choose to go to Heaven or Hell. The Professor, somewhat confused, asks to see Hell first. St. Peter takes him there. He sees rows of men and women typing at keyboards nonstop. He then asks to see Heaven. Again, he sees rows of men and women typing at keyboards. The Professor says that they seem the same. St. Peter replies "Ah, but in Hea…

I Made It To Heaven. A woman dies and goes to heaven, she approaches the pearly gates and says "I finally made it to heaven" St. Peter says "Not yet, first..you have to spell a word" She says "What word?" St. Peter says "Any word" so the woman says "Love and spells it L-O-V-E..St Peter says "Welcome to heaven" he then says" I have something I have to do, would you watch the gate?" the woman says what do I have to do" St. Peter says "Just do what I've been doing" so she says "OK"...a few minutes…

Three nuns get into a car accident 2... and are killed. Sisters Mary, Rose, and Kathleen arrive at the pearly gates confident that their entry was inevitable. They are met by Saint Peter, who explains to them that even though the spent their mortal lives in service to God, they were not gauranteed a place in Heaven. There were some questions that would need to be answered first. They are all very stressed out about the possibility of getting questions they might not be able to answer. Kathleen …

Three men approached the gates of heaven... Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: Do not step on a duck." "I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men. "Over the years, many misconceptions of heaven have arose. Yes, it's a pretty nice place. No, its not perfect, but its close. You see the only problem are the ducks. If you step on a duck it…

3 friends die and go to heaven... Three friends are on a road trip and crash a die. At the gates of St. Peter the first on is called up by St. Peter. St. Peter tell the first friend, John, "You cheated on your wife 12 times?" John admits this. "John is then handed keys to a Honda." John asks Peter what they keys are for and he replies "to get around heaven. You see, heaven is big and vast. You need something to get around. Everyone gets a mode of transportation fitting to the infidelity they co…

A scientist couple had identical twins... They named one Peter and the other one Control Group.

Three men die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates they see St. Peter standing before them. The first man steps forward. "What did you do in your life?" Asked the saint. "I was a comedian," the first man said. "Really?" mused Peter. "What jokes did you tell?" "I told Jewish jokes." The man replied. "That's horrible!" Exclaimed Peter. "It's a terrible sin to discriminate against others." "With respect," the man replied, "I am Jewish. I was born in Brooklyn after my…

A bus full of ugly people crashes A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone inside now stands at the gates of heaven. St. Peter announces to them "Before you enter heaven, I will grant unto each of you one wish." He approaches the first ugly person and the man says "I wish I was beautiful." Right as he says this the last ugly person in line starts to chuckle. So one by one St. Peter goes down the line, each person wishes "I wish I was beautiful", and every time someone wishes that, the las…

The Pharmacist and the boyfriend Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as Peter was going out he returns and says,"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too." The pharmacist gi…

Three nuns died... ...and found themselves standing before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. "Before I can let you in," said Peter, "you'll each have to answer one question." The first nun stepped forward and Peter asked, "What was the name of the first man?" "Adam," answered the nun. And immediately bells began ringing and lights started flashing, and the gates opened up and she entered into heaven. The second nun stepped forward. "What was the name of the first woman?" St. Peter asked.…

Satan and St. Peter decided to hold a soccer game in paradise... Satan and St. Peter decided to hold a soccer game in paradise. It was to be hell versus heaven. When everything had been arranged, St. Peter said to Satan, "Look, I can't be dishonest with you. There is no way that your side can win. All soccer players are simple, pure people and when they die, they all go to heaven. Heaven is full of soccer players." "I thank you for your sincerity," replied Satan "but don't worry, we can defen…

Cinderella realllyyy wants to go to the ball.... And begs Fairy Godmother to help. "Alright," Fairy Godmother says, "but only on two conditions. First, that you wear a diaphragm. Secondly, that you're home by midnight. Oh, and if you're not home by midnight, your diaphragm is turning into a pumpkin.' Cinderella agrees and Fairy Godmother sends her off to the ball. Fairy Godmother is watching the clock when midnight comes and goes. Around two, three in the morning Cinderella finally st…

A man arrives at the gates of heaven... ...St. Peter looks through his book and tells him "I don't see any reason why we should let you in. You don't seem to have done anything worthy in your life." The guy replies: "what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off." St. Peter: "You really did th…

A minister dies.. ..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-d…

A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning. His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church. The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it. St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He…

And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory" But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.

3 Nuns at the Pearly Gates (very mildly NSFW) 3 nuns are in a bus in Colombia, which due to budget cuts breaks it's axle, rolls over, and kills them all. When they come to, they realize that the three of them are in a cloud-filled place standing in front of an elderly man at a dais, behind whom are enormous, gold-plated gates, which at the moment are closed. The man says to them "Welcome, my friends, to the Pearly Gates. My names is Peter, and I am the gatekeeper". The nuns, thinking that t…

Nuns in heaven A large monastery burns down and all the nuns suddenly appear before St. Peter at the pearly gates. They form a line so they can be admitted one by one. The first nun approaches Peter and after giving her name, the Patron Saint asks one question "Sister have you ever broken your vow of celibacy or been impure in any way?" "No," she replies "although I did once accidentally see a young monk as he was changing his robes." "Very well" says Peter "wash your eyes with this holy water …

Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven. He's had too much coffee and now needs to use the bathroom. He sees Jesus walking by and stops him. "Jesus, thank goodness your here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I use the bathroom?" Jesus, ecstatic at the chance to help says, "Of course... But what do I do?" "Its simple, as people come up you must check their names to see if they are in this book I have. If they are then welcome them in! If not, turn them away." And with that P…

A zebra dies and goes to Heaven... A zebra dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly gates, he sees St. Peter. - **SP**: *Is there anything you would like to know before you enter Heaven?* **Z**: *You know, St. Peter, my whole life I've lived with this burden of never knowing the answer to one question: Am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?* **SP**: *Go, my friend, and as the Lord God Himself to give you the answer to that question. He will give you what you …

And so, Jesus said unto Peter "Come forth and win yourself eternal glory" But Peter came fifth and won himself a toaster

A Republican meets St. Peter at the heaven's entrance. A Republican senator, having just died, appears in Heaven, where he runs into St. Peter at the entrance. The Republican is opening the gates, when Peter declares, "Not so fast..." "I take it," Peter continues, "that nobody has explained the procedure to you yet..." "What's the procedure?" asks the Republican. "Everyone who has just made it to the afterlife," Peter continues, "has to spend one day in Heaven and one day in Hell, so that t…

Three men were standing in line waiting to get into heaven Three men were standing in line waiting to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to c…

Two brothers are lost in the woods... They are both tired and hungry. One was Peter, who was hard working and obedient. The other was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice. *"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."* Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went off to search for a large rock. John, on the other hand, was too lazy and instead grabbed a small pebble. After they both had rocks, the voice appeared again. *"THE SIZE OF THE ROCK…

Two guys meet at a bar. "My wife ran off with my best friend Peter..." "Oh no, when did this happen?" "Yesterday." "And since when is Peter your best friend?" "Yesterday!"