Peter Jokes

Peter Pan escaped the adult world... ...by becoming an alcoholic. He goes by Peter the Panhandler now.

A man dies and arrives in heaven... ...and finds himself in a short line of men waiting to speak with St. Peter before entering the magnificent gilded gates of heaven. St. Peter addresses them: ""Welcome to Heaven! You were all good people, that is why you are here. But no one is all good, or all bad, and some of our policies reflect this and try to strike a balance. Before you enter heaven, I will be assigning each of you a vehicle based upon your fidelity in your relationship with your wife. W…

""Knock knock"" ""Who's there?"" And it was at that moment when Peter broke down in tears, having realized that his mother's Alzheimer disease had finally reached past the point of no return.

People at my work name their food.. .. today I ate a lasagna named Peter

Lol Q: What's Peter Pan's favorite restaurant? A: Wendy's!

Lie Clocks A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.' 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that on…

Elementary School Teacher falls down really bad | Old joke from Brazil After the break time, Mrs. Schmoyer called all kids to go back to the classroom. While they were walking through the hallway, Mrs. Schmoyer (who was wearing a black skirt that day) suddenly falls really bad on the floor. All the kids shout laughing. She stands up really mad and starts do yield at the kids. Then, she turns to little Susan: ""What did you see, Mrs. Becker??"" ""- I saw your shoes, Mrs. Schmoyer"" ""One day of s…

A dalmatian is very confused. He doesn't know if he's a white dog with black spots or a black dog with white spots. He is asking his friends to see if they can help him. He goes to Squirrel and asks ""Squirrel, am I a white dog with black spots or a black dog with white spots?"" The squirrel looks up to him and says in her squirrely voice ""That's a good question, I don't know."" The dalmatian then approaches his friend the cat and asks him the same question: ""Cat, am I a white dog with black s…

Three Friends Boasting John, Peter and James were boasting to each other how amazing they are at climbing. ""I can climb a Banana tree in 3 minutes"", says John. ""Hahaha, your like a baby. I can climb a coconut tree in 3 minutes"", says Peter. ""HAHAHA! Are you serious? That's so child like."", boasted James while laughing. ""Why? What can climb James?"", asked the other two. ""I can climb the light of a flashlight pointed upwards in 3 minutes."", boasted James. ""HAHAHA! Really now?"", said th…

Camping trip... Bob and Peter decide to go on a camping trip, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Bob awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Peter, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Peter replied, I see millions of stars. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we …

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven Where they are met by Saint Peter. ""In order to get in,"" he tells them, "" you must each produce something representative of the holidays."" The first digs through his pocket and pulls out a match and lights it. "" this represents a candle of hope."" Impressed, Peter allows the first man through. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "" these are bells."" He says. Peter allows him through also. "" so,"" Peter says to third ma…

The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, the new priest took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his of…

Zulu lu [NSFW] John and Peter are visiting Amazon. While traveling through dense forest they unknowingly cross the boundary of a lesser know Zulu tribe. They both are captured and locked up to be punished by the tribal head. John is the first to be punished, he pleaded for his innocence, but due to language barrier he is not able to bring on his A game. The tribal head draws him two options Zulu lu or death, he only understands the symbol of death , terrified he chooses Zulu lu. He is taken to t…

3 women were at the gates of Heaven in front of St. Peter... The first woman approached him and he said ""Please confess to your sins to enter the gates of Heaven."" She said ""well I gave a man a hand job once."" Peter replied ""Please dip your hand into the holy water and you may proceed through the gates."" The second woman was about to reply, but the third woman skipped in front of her and said ""If you think I'm gonna put that water in my mouth after she dips her ass in it you are out of yo…

Why would peter pan make a terrible pilot Because he'd neverland.

Why are Peter pan Jokes always funny? Because they never grow old

Two Jews at the pearly gates Two Jews arrive at the pearly gates of heaven and ask Saint Peter if they can come in. ""Certainly not!"" says Saint Peter, ""We don't allow your sort in here. Get lost!"" He then goes to tell Jesus proudly what he has done. Jesus becomes furious. ""Peter!"" he shouts, ""You can't do that! Quick, go and get them back."" Saint Peter runs off and comes back a few minutes later, puffing. ""They have gone!"" he says. ""Who? The Jews?"" asks Jesus. ""No,"" gasps Saint Pet…

A man dies and goes to Heaven... He's greeted by Saint Peter who explains that when someone new arrives he takes them on a tour. The tour begins and they come to a room full of people studying ""these are the Catholics"" Peter explains ""they partied down on Earth so they have to study here in Heaven."" ""I see"" the man responds, and the tour continues. He and Peter then come to a room with a big party inside ""these are the Baptists, they studied on Earth so they get to party here."" ""Oh, tha…

How does Peter Pan fly? If someone hit you in the Peter with a Pan, you'd fly too.

Three guys die and go to heaven... They are met at the Pearly Gates by, of course, St. Peter. ""Welcome welcome!"" he shouted as they approached ""It's so good to see you! Are you ready to enjoy your eternity in Heaven?"" ""Yes yes of course we are!"" all three guys shouted over top of each other. ""Great!"" says Peter. ""But before I let you in I need to go over a few things that have changed recently. Over the past few years we have seen an enormous increase in population and to deal with that…

God said to peter come fourth... But Peter came fifth and won a toaster

Three men were standing in line waiting to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment…

Jesus called a meeting of the disciples in Heaven... ...When they all arrive he mentions that there is a massive drug problem on Earth and they need to find a way to rid the world of it. He suggests that they all go down to Earth, all over, and bring back samples of different drugs so they can examine them and figure out the best way to rid the world of the evils of their usage. They agree and off they go. Later that day there is a knock on the Jesus' door and he goes to answer it. ""Who is it?"…

Another three nuns die in a car crash St. Peter confronts them at the gates of heaven. ""Sisters, welcome! You are devote, except for that bingo hall incident."" The sisters hold their heads low in silent acknowledgment. Peter continues, ""So, you must be held accountable for your transgression. I will give you a test of Bible knowledge, but because your lives were... mostly... guilt free, it will be an easy one."" The nuns nod in agreement. To the first, ""who was the first man?"" ""That's easy…

A Presidential Joke A guy, long suspecting that his wife was cheating on him, decided to try to catch her in the act. He noticed that on Tuesdays and Thursdays, while he was working out, that when he got home the bed would be kind of messed up, and his wife always made the bed. So one Thursday he decided to leave work early. He got to his apartment and started to unlock the locks and heard some noises. He finally bursts in and sees a pair of men's pants, mans button up shirt, and tie. He then go…