Sir He Jokes

The Wire Brush An Army officer decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands. He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, ""What's your affliction, private?"" Standing at attention, ""Venereal warts, SIR!"" He then asks, ""And what treatment are you getting?"" ""Five minutes with the wire brush every day, SIR!"" Finally he asks, ""And what's your ambition, soldier?"" ""To get back to the frontline, SIR!"" He goes up to the…

A cop pulls over a man for speeding... ""Sir."" He begins. ""You were recorded going 100 miles an hour, can you tell me why?"" ""Well officer."" The man says. ""Yesterday my wife ran away with a cop."" The cop is confused. ""What's that got to do with anything."" ""I thought you were him trying to give her back.""

An art gallerist calls for his assistant... He says, ""I want you to straighten out all of our 18th and 19th century European works, they all seem to be crooked."" The assistant replies, ""What about the other paintings, sir?"" He answers, ""If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.""

A man dies and arrives in heaven... ...and finds himself in a short line of men waiting to speak with St. Peter before entering the magnificent gilded gates of heaven. St. Peter addresses them: ""Welcome to Heaven! You were all good people, that is why you are here. But no one is all good, or all bad, and some of our policies reflect this and try to strike a balance. Before you enter heaven, I will be assigning each of you a vehicle based upon your fidelity in your relationship with your wife. W…

Artie wants to join the Mafia So Artie goes to the Mafia and asks if he can join. Big Joe, Head Mafia, replies with,""You must kill a man with a sniper with no hesitations."" Artie takes a big gulp and says, ""I'm on it sir."" He comes back to Big Joe and has proof that he completed his mission. ""Good job Artie! Now you must kill a woman any way you want without any hesitations."" Artie takes a big gulp and says,""I'm on it sir."" Artie comes back with proof that he killed a woman. ""Good job A…

Giotto's father meets his son's teachers A true tale about the famous Italian painter Giotto di Bondone: Giotto's father wants to know more about his son's school performance, so he goes to the annual parent-teacher conference. He enters the Italian litterature teacher's office and says: ""H-hi, t-teacherr, I'm Gio-t-t-o'shh fa-ther, is m-my s-shhon d-doing w-well?"". The teacher looks at him with a disgusted face. ""What's wrong with this man? He speaks like somebody whose tongue has been cut o…

A blonde gets a job as a locomotive engineer... On the first train ride she engineers, things seem to be going smoothly. All of a sudden, the passengers feel an incredibly abrupt jerk as the train swerves off the rails, onto some grass, threatens to flip over to its side, chaotic bumpiness... but then corrects itself back onto the tracks. Who is to blame? Our beloved blonde, of course. Back at the station, the blonde's manager walks up to her and lets her have it... ""What do you think you were …

At the doctor's office. So the doctor is sitting in his office when the next patient waltzes in and it is pretty clear that he is a gay dude. After asking the necessary questions, the doctor proceeded to the physical examination and said to him: -Please sit down and take off your shirt sir. He then went on to put his hands on the patient's back and said to him: -Say the word thirty three please. -Thirty three! He then lowered his hands on his back and asked him to repeat the word. -Thirty three!…

A cop pulled me over on the freeway. He said ""Sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?"" I said ""No sir."" He told me ""I clocked you in at 80 mph in a 65."" I tried to reason with him, saying ""well officer, you see, I was just trying to keep up with traffic."" He looked at me puzzled and retorted ""there's nobody else on this road for miles..."" ""but that's how far behind I am.""

The tale of Big Bad John This fellow was out looking for work. He sees a sign in a bar window that says ""bartender needed-no experience necessary"" so he goes in and takes the sign to the bar and begins to ask ""Is the position still open...?"" ""You're hired."" The bartender says and throws his apron at the man and heads for the door. ""What's going on here?"" He asks. ""You'll find out when Big Bad John gets here."" So, he starts serving beer and cleaning glasses. Then a fellow comes through …

A man walks into a savings and loan with a garbage bag full of cash. ""I'd like to open an account,"" he says to the account manager, and puts the bag of cash on the desk. The account manager looks it over and says, ""Fantastic. For an account of this size, I know the president of the bank will want to meet you personally. Do you have a moment while I draw up the paperwork?"" ""Of course,"" the man says. The account manager calls up to the president of the bank and explains the situation, and th…

""Have a good day, sir"" He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. ""Amazing,"" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, ""What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"" …

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference roomtable the interviewer asked ""What is the fastest thing you know of?"" Pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied ""A THOUGHT. It pops into y…

What's For Lunch? A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, ""What would you like, sir?"" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, ""A quickie."" The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, ""What would you like, sir?"" Again the man thoroughl…

An old general store owner needs some help in sales... So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid" The kid shakes his head, listening intently. "The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?" again the kid nods. Just then, a customer walks in, and asks where the grass seed is located. "Isle 5, right this way sir!" He leads the customer to the seed, and says, "You want a rake to go with that?" "Why…

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass. He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?" The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option." The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house." The man, very grateful, replies, "Yes! That would be nice. Thank you so much, sir." He points at the end of the road and says, "There'…

A cop is driving out on patrol one night. When he sees a car whipping past at high speeds. He turns on his lights and sirens and pulls them over. He gets out and sees this little old lady in the driver's side, she rolls down her window and says "Is there a problem officer?" The policeman says, "Ma'am are you aware you were going almost 25 miles per hour over the speed limit?" "Oh, everything is fine officer, I didn't think I was going THAT fast, I mean I guess was going just a little over the…

The Perfect Interview A man gently knocked the Interview Room door. "May I come in Sir"? One of the Panel Members said "Come in". The Man tried to speak, but he was asked to sit first. So he sat in a Chair facing the Panel Members. One of them asked, "What do you think of this Room ?" "Very nicely furnished Sir. A nice Carpet, Window Screen, a Board, Projector, White Screen. Great Sir". "Did you not notice that small paper bundled thrown on the floor? Does it not spoil the ambience?" "…

A man is obsessed with trains. A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people... At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death. Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens. There has never been a failure before. Since you canno…

A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people... At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death. Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens. There has never been a failure before. Since you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, th…

Two guys were walking in the woods and found a huge hole in the ground. One said, "I wonder how deep it is. Let's throw something down there to see. There's a big rock. Let's throw it in." The rock goes down the hole and it seems to go on forever. No thud. No splash. No noise. "Hey! Let's throw this big log down there. Surely that will make a noise." Again, no noise. "Man! This thing must be really deep. We need something much bigger. Look right there! An eight foot section of railroad trac…

A student suddenly walked out of the class. Professor asks why this fellow walked out of my class? Student says, “Sir! He has the habit of walking while he is sleeping!”