Mr Johnson Jokes

*doctor moonwalks into office* "Your test results are back Mr Johnson. You tested positive for BEING FABULOUS!!" *Mr Johnson does the robot*

The Headmaster/Principle/Head teacher Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let's call him... Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school's inherent needs and great relationships with all staff/pupils. Recently he had accepted a job at the most run down, violent yet biggest school in the area. It was full of underprivileged children who were taking their poor upbr…

Doctor, I need help. I have a bowel movement everyday at 7. But that's very health, Mr Johnson. It would be but I don't wake up until 8

A young man was interning at a hospital His friend called in to see him but he wasn't around. A passing nurse stopped and asked if she could help the man. ""Yes, I'm looking for my friend, Michael. Is he around?"" ""Can you describe him?"" the nurse asks. After the friend describes him, the nurse replies uneasily. ""Oh yes him. I'm a little nervous about him actually"" ""Oh really, and why is that?"" asks the friend. ""Well, yesterday I told him to give Mr Johnson his medicine. 2 tablets at 1 o'…

First Flight Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane. His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off a…

A man and his wife are golfing... ...and with it being such a beautiful day they decide to walk the course. In order to keep pace as best they can with all the cart riders, the wife walks on ahead to the forward tees while her husband is setting up to tee off on the first hole. She's just about there when he swings and snap hooks the ball which strikes her in the temple, killing her instantly. Later, he's at the hospital and the doctor says: ""I'm so sorry Mr Johnson. We have confirmed that the …

A man walks into the doctors office. The nurse takes him to the examination room and leaves him in there. He sits down on the table and waits for the doctor. The doctor comes in and says to the man, "" Mr. Johnson, we have the results of your test. I have some very bad news for you. You have cancer."" Mr Johnson says, "" Oh my god! Cancer! How long do I have to live, doc?"" The doctor says, "" I'm afraid you have 6 months to live. And unfortunately I have more bad news. "" Let me sit down for a …

A man walks into a savings and loan with a garbage bag full of cash. ""I'd like to open an account,"" he says to the account manager, and puts the bag of cash on the desk. The account manager looks it over and says, ""Fantastic. For an account of this size, I know the president of the bank will want to meet you personally. Do you have a moment while I draw up the paperwork?"" ""Of course,"" the man says. The account manager calls up to the president of the bank and explains the situation, and th…

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: ""We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!"" He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, ""I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month."" So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of…

eer booze and fun!' 'It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party was heading home and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him drove home and went to bed. he was awakened i…

An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks. The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone." The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental ex…

The Head Teacher Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let's call him... Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school's inherent needs, and great relationships with all staff/pupils. Recently he had accepted a job at the largest, most run down, violent school in the area. It was full of underprivileged children who were taking their poor upbringings and cynical v…

A routine call to an elderly patient.. A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, ”And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?” Mr. Johnson replies, ”I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!” The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man’s son, and the son’s wife answers. The doctor tells her, ”Mrs. Johnson, …

A Chinese man dies and goes to hell He arrives in time for Hell orientation. As he walks into the orientation room, he looks around and finds an empty seat and sits down. The orientation staff woman starts off the meeting with a roll-call: "Do we have Mr. Johnson present?" "Here," says a man. "Mr. Smith?" "Present," responds another man. "What about Mr. Wong?" The Chinese man replies, "Here," just as another Chinese man raises his hand says, "Here," as well. "Oh my," says the orientati…

" Thank you for calling the Law Offices of Johnson, Johnson, Johnson, & Johnson..." "how may I direct your call?" "May I speak with Mr Johnson please?" "Sorry he's in a meeting." "Well how about Mr Johnson then?" "Sorry, he's in court" "Is Mr Johnson there, perhaps?" "Sorry, he's on vacation." "Ok, how about Mr Johnson then?" "Speaking."

Following the advice of his doctor, Mr. Johnson moved to Florida. When he arrived in his new Florida home, Mr. Johnson met his next door neighbour. His new neighbor was a man around his age, but he had a full head of hair and appeared to be very strong. "Hello," Mr. Johnson said to his new neighbour. "Is Florida as healthy as my doctor says it is?" "Let me tell you something," said the neighbour. "When I first arrived here, I was completely bald, and I was so weak that I had to be lifted out …

After retiring, Mr. Johnson moved into a condo near the ocean. Every morning, while he ate his breakfast, he would look out the window at the ocean. Almost every morning, Mr. Johnson saw a young man sitting on the dock, fishing. It didn't matter if the weather was good, so-so, or downright terrible. The fisherman seemed to go to the dock every morning. After he had lived in his condo for a few months, Mr. Johnson noticed something. Some mornings, the fisherman would sit on the left side of the…

The Spirit A preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church if the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up. Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said: “I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this mo…

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole.. ..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says *""Gee Susie

As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown. Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says ""gee Susie

A man walked into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of shoes, size eight. The sales assistant said: "Are you sure, sir? You look like a size twelve to me." "Just bring me a size eight," insisted the customer. So the assistant fetched a pair of size eight shoes, and the man squeezed his feet into them with obvious discomfort. He then stood up in the shoes, but with considerable pain. "Are you absolutely sure you want these shoes?" repeated the assistant. "Listen," said the man. "I've lost my house…