A man walks into a savings and loan with a garbage bag full of cash. ""I'd like to open an account,"" he says to the account manager, and puts the bag of cash on the desk. The account manager looks it over and says, ""Fantastic. For an account of this size, I know the president of the bank will want to meet you personally. Do you have a moment while I draw up the paperwork?"" ""Of course,"" the man says. The account manager calls up to the president of the bank and explains the situation, and th…

Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people's heads saying "The court room sketch artist is so hunky."

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary. Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary's case goes to trial...

*at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!