Peter Jokes

A man dies and appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates... ...St. Peter asks him, ""Hast thou done anything that wishes to qualify to enter heaven?"" The man ponders and replies that he can think of one thing. ""One time these group of bikers were harassing this old lady, I told them to stop but they didn't, so I walked up to the biggest most heavily tattooed biker, ripped out his nose ring, threw him off his bike, kicked the bike over and yelled to them 'Leave her alone or you'll answer to …

Peter means ""Rock"" (John 21:3-9) Now some of the had gone down to the Sea of Galilee to fish, and there they saw THE LORD, but they did not recognize him. And he said unto them, ""Friends, have you caught any fish yet?"" And they answered him, ""No, not yet, Sir."" Then he said unto them, ""Cast your net on the other side of the boat."" And they did so, and when they pulled up their net, their was a great draught of fish - 153 of them in all. Then Simon Peter said, ""I will go an prepare some …

Three deceased appeared before st. peter in heaven... Peter asked one of the deceased what he made in his previous life. The soul replied, ""$300,000, I was a lawyer."" Peter questioned the second deceased with the same question. ""$75,000"" the second man replied, ""I was a salesman."" Peter finally asked the third deceased how much he made to which the third man sheepishly replied, ""Around $6000, I..."" Peter interrupted the man, exclaiming, ""OOOOOOH, what instrument did you play?!"" (I hear…

Jesus tells Peter, ""Come forth and you shall have eternal glory!"" Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.

Statistician joke An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician all die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the pearly gate St. Peter stops them and says before you pass through I have a simple question for each of you. He turns to the engineer and asks, ""What's 2 + 2""? The engineer pulls out his slide ruler, fumbles it around and says, ""3.9999"". St. Peter is fine with this answer and says, ""Come on in"". He then turns to the physicist and asks the same question, ""What's 2 + 2?"" The phys…

A Pope and a Jewish Accountant die... So a Jewish accountant and the Pope die at the same time, and arrive at the pearly gates simultaneously. So St. Peter takes the two of them to where they will be staying for the rest of eternity. Peter leads the accountant to a huge palace, with dames and a heavenly garden. He then leads the Pope to a little shack. The Pope says, ""After all of my life's dedication, I get this?"" And St. Peter says, ""Your Holiness, we have many Popes up here, but this is th…

I saw Bryan Cranston in a gathering today. I said ""Hey Brian! what are doing with a cross in white robes?"" And he's all like ""I'm not Brian, I'm KKK you piece of shit."" After that, Peter, is when I came to your gate, now can I get that pass?

Game Teacher: Peter, why r u late for school again? Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football & the game went into extra time.

God said to Peter ""Come forth and receive eternal life."" But Peter came fifth and had to eat the biscuit.

I'm already 14 yrs old Dad! why don'y you buy me a bra? Shut up Peter!

As Jesus is on the Cross... As Jesus is on the cross on top of the hill known as Golgatha, he cries out ""Peter! Peter! My servant come to me!"" Upon hearing this, Peter dashes towards to cross but is stopped by the Roman guards. A few minutes later Jesus cries out once again ""Peter! Peter! My servant come to me!"" Once again, Peter dashes towards to cross but is stopped by the Roman guards. Yet a few more minutes go by and Jesus again cries out ""Peter! Peter! My servant come to me!"" Again, P…

Christ is on the cross He's calling out to Peter. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Peter hears him and tries to get closer, but a Roman guard cuts off his arm and sends him packing. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Again Peter tries to get closer but is again stopped by the Roman guard, who cuts off his other arm. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' Peter tries once more to get to the foot of the cross. This time the Roman guard swipes at his left leg and chops that off too. 'Pet…

A penguin arrives at the pearly gates St. Peter greets the little fellow, and shows him around. The little penguin waddles after St. Peter attentively and listens to every word he has to say. At the end St. Peter asks ""Do you have any questions?"" The little bird hesitates, but then he musters up the courage and asks ""St. Peter, all my life I have wondered...am I black, or am I white?"" St. Peter just shakes his head and tells him that he doesn't know either and that they have to ask the 'big …

A sausage factory explodes... And one of the sausages hits a wandering angel. Puzzled by the object he goes to saint Peter and asks: ""Hey, Peter you have knowledge about the world of men , can you tell me what this is?"" Saint Peter takes the sausage , he looks at it for a while, tastes it, smells it and shurgs his shoulders. ""Take it to Virgin Mary she has lived in the world bellow more than any of us "" So the angel goes to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asks her to explain the obscure object. …

Jesus keeps an eye on the pearly gates. St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in. After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, ""I had a very sad life. I was a …

At the exact same moment, a priest named William Clinton and the former president William Clinton, die. Through a obvious mix up, Bill is sent to Heaven, while William is sent to Hell. They spent a day there, until the mistake is noticed and Bill is sent down to Hell. As they meet at the elevator, they meet an exchange pleasantries. ""After a day here, I feel sorry for you my son, but I am so excited to meet all my favorite Biblical figures! Jesus, Peter and of course, the Virgin Mary!"" William…

Paddy the Irishman arrives at the Gates of Heaven... ...and is greeted by St. Peter. Peter says to Paddy ""You may enter, Paddy, but first you must answer one question."" He then asks Paddy ""What is the the name of thy Lord?"" Paddy replies ""Harold."" ""Harold?"" asks St. Peter, ""How did you arrive at that?"" ""Oh, it's in the Lords Prayer... Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name"".

A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone inside now stands at the gates of heaven. St. Peter announces to them ""Before you enter heaven, I will grant unto each of you one wish."" He approaches the first ugly person and the man says ""I wish I was beautiful."" Right as he says this the last ugly person in line starts to chuckle. So one by one St. Peter goes down the line, each person wishes ""I wish I was beautiful"", and every time someone wishes that, the last person laughs harder and ha…

Three men stand at the gates of heaven St. Peter looks at the 3 men and says, ""in order to get around up here, you will all need a car. In heaven, we distribute cars to everyone based on how faithful you were to your spouse before you died. The first man tells St. Peter, ""I never as much as looked at another woman. I would never even think about being with anyone except my wife."" St. Peter nods and gives the first man a brand new Rolls Royce. The second man tells St. Peter, ""I was not a perf…

Bob gets a job at a Japanese restaurant... In the kitchen he notices all the pots, pans, plates, etc have names stamped on them. His boss says it's for easy identification. One day the cook asks him to go get a wok. So Bob goes into the back and grabs the first thing he can find that resembles a wok with the name ""Peter"" in bold letters on the side and brings it to the cook. The cook looks at it and shakes he head. ""Peter pan! He no wok, he fry!""

No, he's higher up. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed…

John, Paul and Peter were running through a tropical jungle when... ...they heard their pursuers (a rebel group) nearby. They saw an abandoned farmhouse and entered it. There was nothing there that they could use to fight the rebels off. They only saw three empty burlap sacks. The trio entered the sacks and stayed still. The rebels entered the farmhouse and saw the sacks. The rebel leader didn't want to waste time and decided to kick the sacks to check their contents. The sack John was in got ki…

The priests first week at work (long but worth it) A priest begins the first day of his new job and is extremely nervous about speaking to the congregation. While giving his sermon his anxiety gets the best of him and he freezes. All of those people hanging on his every word, and all he can do is stutter. He gives up and walks back to his office to sulk. Later that day the head priest comes in his office with a bottle of vodka and says "" when I get nervous I sip some vodka, everyone thinks it's…

A man walks out of a bathroom in a pub with a disgusted look And the bartender stops him as he is leaving. The bartender says, ""frank, why did you take so long in there? Too drunk?"" ""No, i was just blowing bubbles,"" frank says, and leaves. Soon, peter goes into the bathroom. He leaves after 30 minutes. As he leaves with a strange look on his face, the bartender says, ""who are you to stay for that long?! Are you constipated?"" Peter says, ""nah, im just peter. I was just blowing bubbles."" T…

A Little Known Fact About Heaven and Hell (My old coach used to tell me this joke all the time) There is a little known fact about Heaven and Hell. When they were created, God built a fence between them. God and Satan agreed that they would both keep their sides of the fence in good shape. Time went by and God upheld his side of the deal, but Satan let his side of the fence crumble into disuse. God had enough of this and went to Saint Peter. ""Saint Peter, I want to sue Satan for not upholding h…