Harold Jokes

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday. Everyone's invited. Except Harold. HE said I'd NEVER find true love.

I gave love a bad name. I called it Harold.

A man goes to his girlfriend's parents house for Thanksgiving. Hes really nervous. This is his first time meeting her family and he's not sure what to expect. In fact, he's so nervous that it's giving him gas. Now, sitting there watching tv in the family room isn't bad because the the football game is on and it's kind of loud and of course their big old dog Harold is licking his balls and Everyone can hear that. It's not bad, because he can sit there and fart into the couch. No one hears a thing…

Dude I'm Colin Kapernick and I'm black. Dude you're not even brown. You look like Matthew Perry. -Harold and Kumar

A man is no longer able to work... ...so his wife decides to walk the streets to pay the bills. She comes home after the first night and says, ""Harold, I'm home! Come on, I'm buying breakfast!"" Harold: ""Great! How much did you make?"" Wife: ""$38.25"" Harold: ""Really? Who gave you 25 cents?"" Wife: ""Everybody""

The South Declares War President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. ""Hello, President Obama"" a heavily accented southern voice said. ""This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"" ""Well Archie,"" Barack replied, ""This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"" ""Right now,"" said Archie, after a moments calculation ""there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door…

Nursing home couple An 80 year old man and woman met in their nursing home and had been flirting for weeks. The man sits by her one day and says ""so Maude, I was able to get ahold of some Viagra. What do you think about meeting me in the janitor's closet during bingo?"" ""Oh Harold, I'd love to."" she giddily replies and they go their separate ways to get ready. Later they both meet inside the closet and start undressing. ""Wait, Harold"" she says ""before we do anything I wanted to let you kno…

Paddy the Irishman arrives at the Gates of Heaven... ...and is greeted by St. Peter. Peter says to Paddy ""You may enter, Paddy, but first you must answer one question."" He then asks Paddy ""What is the the name of thy Lord?"" Paddy replies ""Harold."" ""Harold?"" asks St. Peter, ""How did you arrive at that?"" ""Oh, it's in the Lords Prayer... Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name"".

Golf Balls An old couple is making love in their old dusty bedroom when the woman stops and says ""Harold, I've been meaning to ask you something."" She gets off of the bed and pulls a shoebox out from under the bed. Harold gets a little nervous and she says, ""Harold we've been married for 50 years and I just don't understand this."" She opens up the box to reveal 3 golf balls and a stack of cash. Harold says, ""Martha, after 50 years of marraige to you I cannot lie. Each time I have been unfat…

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. ""Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, ""Why don't …

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, ""And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"" Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle t…

Not again Harold Harold and his wife were going to bed, he was 78 and had aged well, but in his sleep he had passed away. At the pearly gates he spoke with God, and said, "please let me go back, it was not time for me, I need my wife, I miss her terribly" God considered this, and said "I'm not really allowed to do this but, I'll let you back" Harold thanked God for his kindness, but God said "But you will be brought back as one of the chickens that you own in your back garden, this is the only …

Once upon a time..... .......there lived a beautiful Queen with large, beautiful, queenly breasts. Gerald the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Gerald revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Harold the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Harold thought about this and said that he could arrange for Gerald to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold …

A man and his wife are out to dinner As he’s about to start eating, his wife stops him and says “Harold, we have to pray first!” Man: “Why?” Wife: “We always pray at home before we eat.” Man: “Yeah but the guy here actually knows how to cook.”

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said.. “You died in your sleep, Harold.” Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!” St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to your house as a goldfish or as a hen.” Harold never liked swimming and thought that perh…

Everyone knows about Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer... But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer. He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high. He just couldn't stop as fast.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you 1486. Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? Husband: It's not my fault.. I ran out of money. 1487. Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Ju…