Joes Jokes

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe's poker table you're too mature for me.

As my friend Joe's last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

-Joe's coming over. "Joe from work or Joe who thinks he's the Norse god, Thor?" [the distant sound of thunder makes the guacamole quiver]

Joe: If you love it so much why don't you marry it? Jim: Hmm [Two weeks later] Jim: Meet my new wife! *holds up Joe's wife's potato salad*

So called "Trader" Joe's wouldn't let me pay with furs or rum or even live birds.

HONEST JOE'S DISCOUNT BREAST IMPLANT EMPORIUM. WHY PAY $6,000 FOR SILICON WHEN YOU CAN PAY $20 FOR WOOD

Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good) 1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."" 2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: ""I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."" 3 And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: ""I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"" Matt Millen of the Raiders said: ""T…

The municipal philharmonic symphony and chorus were rehearsing.... The municipal philharmonic symphony and chorus were rehearsing Symphony No. 9 by Ludwig Von Beethoven. Since the chorus doesn't enter until the final movement, the singers were becoming very bored - especially the men in the back row. Then the basses had a clever idea. During break, they tied a nylon fish-line around the conductor's score, 4 pages prior to the beginning of the last movement. They ran the line up through a roof ve…

A man named Bob had a good friend named Joe. Bob noticed that Joe seemed to know everybody. They worked together, and would often get drinks together, go to events together; no matter where they went Joe was always busy saying hi and shaking hands with everybody. Bob would often ask, 'how do you know that guy?' and Joe would say, 'oh, I know everybody.' Bob got pretty used to Joe saying that, and usually left it alone. One day they went to another city for a work conference, and Joe was at it ag…

Farmer Joe's Bull, breaks down the fence, yet again.... Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says ""I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposti…

Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic Your loss, our sauce!

Jack and Joe are in prison... Jack and Joe are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells really, with only a solitary, tiny window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes. One day, Jack asks , ""Got any new jokes, Joe?"" ""Sorry"" Joe says. ""I told you every joke I know months ago. You got anymore new jokes?"" Jack thinks for a moment and says, ""Well... I do have one more joke. But it's one of th…

The Cheerio Joke On a planet called Cheeriolia, the population is divided into three societal classes: Cheerios are the lower class, Applejacks are in the middle, and Fruit Loops are the wealthy elite. One cannot intermarry between classes, unfortunately, and discrimination is rampant between them. An authoritarian government keeps very close tabs on individual classes and poverty lines criss-cross through big cities. Cheerios are doomed to a certain limit of wealth, Applejacks cannot earn more …

Two American soldiers have taken cover in a foxhole during an offensive in France during ww2. The enemy fire power is fierce, and they are unable to advance or retreat. Shells are zinging past them like wasps, and errant ricochets unnerve them. Mortar shells explode all around and the two men are sweating lest a shell might land atop of them. As the evening wears on and nerves become frazzled in the stifling heat, one of the men confides that he has to go to the bathroom really bad. ""Number 1 o…

Bob and Joe were sitting in their math class one day... (x-post r/unexpectedfactorial) Bob and Joe were sitting in their math class one day when their teacher suddenly shouts ""Pop quiz! If you don't answer this question correctly, then you will fail the class"" Both Bob and Joe are taken aback. The teacher turns to Joe, ""Joe! Quickly, how many seconds are there in six weeks?"" Joe takes a few seconds to think about it, and then with a smile on his face quickly exclaims, ""there are exactly 10!…

Bob and Joe were sitting in their math class one day... Bob and Joe were sitting in their math class one day when their teacher suddenly shouts ""Pop quiz! If you don't answer this question correctly, then you will fail the class"" Both Bob and Joe are taken aback. The teacher turns to Joe, ""Joe! Quickly, how many seconds are there in six weeks?"" Joe takes a few seconds to think about it, and then with a smile on his face quickly exclaims, ""there are exactly 10!"" The teacher then turns to Bo…

Two guys are drinking and driving Joe and Kyle are out drinking and driving when they spot a cop checking for drunk drivers a head. Kyle freaks out and tells Joe to turn the car around but Joe calmly tells Kyle to just relax and finish his drink, he had it all figured out. Kyle sees how calm Joe is and decides to follow his lead and finish his drink. When they approach the checkpoint, Joe instructs Kyle to remove the label to his beer and place it on his forehead. Confused, Kyle follows Joe's le…

Baseball in heaven Two men, John and Joe, had loved baseball their entire lives and in their old age they would talk about whether or not there was baseball in heaven. They both agreed that whoever died first had to come back and give the other an answer. Joe passed away at the age of 86, and John anxiously awaited for an answer to the question they had always wondered about. One day when John was sitting in his living room, Joe's ghost appeared and said ""JOHN! I got some great news and some ba…

I made up this joke in a dream. So Joe is eating lunch at work. He sees that in the lunchroom there's another guy there who doesn't have any food with him. This guy walks up to Joe and says, ""Excuse me, would you mind giving me one of your crackers?"" And Joe, nice guy that he is, gives the guy a cracker. The next day, Joe sees the guy in the lunchroom again, and again, the guy has no food. Joe's eating his lunch and again, this guy comes up to him and says, ""Hello, would you mind giving me on…

The confession Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery. ""Oh, no,"" said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. ""Was it with Marie Brown?"" ""I'd rather not say who it was."" ""Was it with Betty Smith?"" ""I'd rather not say,"" says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution. ""Yes, and two very good leads!""

The South Declares War President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. ""Hello, President Obama"" a heavily accented southern voice said. ""This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"" ""Well Archie,"" Barack replied, ""This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"" ""Right now,"" said Archie, after a moments calculation ""there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door…

Joe & the priest, bring jerry i'm aving a stroke... Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery. ""Oh, no,"" said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. ""Was it with Marie Brown?"" ""I'd rather not say who it was."" ""Was it with Betty Smith?"" ""I'd rather not say,"" says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution. ""Yes, and two very good leads!""

Joe went to a party and met a woman sitting on a wooden chair with 3 small children around her The woman happened to be Joe's long-lost aunt Froda, and upon seeing him, beckoned him to her. Froda told him, ""These are my 3 children!"" She pointed to this first one. ""He is Watery."" ""Why Watery?"" Joe asked her. ""Cause when he was born, a droplet of water fell on his head."" ""Hmm"" ""This here,"" she gestured to her daughter, ""is Leafy."" ""Leafy?"" Joe asked her. ""When she was born, a leaf…

Joe I was 21 years old living in the south. Life was great; I had a steady job in an oilfield, a cozy house, and a girl I loved who I've been very intimate with. One day a new face was hired to work along with me, named Joe. In my tiny town where the residence new each other, I can proudly say I've never seen this man before in my life. The man was popular with the ladies. Even got a few girls to fool around with him behind their husbands and daddies backs. Sure as hell ain't introducing *him* t…

So there's a janitor in New York.... So there's a janitor in New York, let's call him Joe. Joe's not all that particular about his work as long as he's working and getting paid. One day, Joe saw an job posting for a mosque looking for someone to clean the place up at night after the worshipers had gone home. So, he contacts the mosque and takes the job. It turns out that the worshipers generally keep the mosque pretty clean and it ends up being easy money for a guy like Joe. He's left with enoug…