Saint Peter Jokes

Rednecks at the Pearly Gates Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas Eve. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the Christmas spirit, they're doomed. The first fella easily pulls out a set of keys and jingles them around & says, "These are the bells of Christmas!" Saint Peter nods and say…

A priest and a lawyer get into a lethal car accident together and show up at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets them and starts reading off their qualifications for getting into Heaven. He starts with the priest. "You've lived your entire life for God. You've never sworn or taken His name in vain. You've never lied, cheated, nor stolen. You prayed everyday and changed many lives through your sermons and actions..." The list goes on for a quite a while. Finally, Saint Peter finishes and says: …

3 guys die and go to heaven... St. Peter was at the gate and said, "However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven". The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife; she was the love of my life and I told her every day. ". St. Peter smiled and handed him the keys to a brand spanking new Ferrari. The next man stepped forward and said, "I cheated on my wife just once. It was the biggest regret of my life, and I sti…

Nuns in heaven A large monastery burns down and all the nuns suddenly appear before St. Peter at the pearly gates. They form a line so they can be admitted one by one. The first nun approaches Peter and after giving her name, the Patron Saint asks one question "Sister have you ever broken your vow of celibacy or been impure in any way?" "No," she replies "although I did once accidentally see a young monk as he was changing his robes." "Very well" says Peter "wash your eyes with this holy water …

Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?' 'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts. 'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says. The second man says: ' Well you know... I've had a fling with my secretary. But, I am remorseful'. 'For this sin, you shall drive a golden Ford for all eternity', Saint Peter says. The third man s…

Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven. He's had too much coffee and now needs to use the bathroom. He sees Jesus walking by and stops him. "Jesus, thank goodness your here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I use the bathroom?" Jesus, ecstatic at the chance to help says, "Of course... But what do I do?" "Its simple, as people come up you must check their names to see if they are in this book I have. If they are then welcome them in! If not, turn them away." And with that P…

A world-class engineer dies after a long and happy life. When he goes to be judged at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter accidentally screws up his papers and sends him to hell. Satan is more than happy to have him, as he doesn't get many engineers and could put this guy to some great use. With the engineer's help, Satan makes renovation after renovation and increases the efficiency and quality of all of the workings of Hell beyond what he ever dreamed. Meanwhile, God is checking over al of Saint P…

A politician dies... And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the polit…

Priest and Pilot A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?' The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.' Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pil…

Three men die in a car crash They find themselves at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches them, saying "Okay, you'll get a vehicle for getting around Heaven depending on your faithfulness to your spouse". The first man says "I never cheated on my wife, and I love her". He gets a Ferrari. The second man says "I cheated on my wife once, but I still love her". He gets a horse. The third man says "I cheated on my wife a couple times, but I still love her". He gets a scooter. Soon after b…

John dies and he meets Saint Peter. Saint Peter: "You were indeed a good man. Come, I will walk you to Heaven." They started walking through a long hall. On the walls, there were lots and lots of watches. Curious, the man asks: John: "What's the deal with all these watches?" Saint Peter: "You see, these are called lying watches. Everytime someone says a lie, the arms move. Look at this one for example. It belonged to Mother Teresa. Its arms never moved, not even once. We also have lying watc…

What is Easter? As told to me by a priest when I was little: Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?" The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney and hands out presents." Saint Peter says, "No. That's not right. That's Christmas." The second Catholic says, "Of course, that's Christmas. Everyone knows Easter is the day when children put …

During a huge storm, a man's city calls for an emergency evacuation As his neighbors are driving away, they offer him a seat in their minivan. He says, "No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm." The flood waters start to rise and the man is standing on his balcony. A family in a fishing boat come by and offer a space on their boat. The man says, "No thank you. I believe in God, and God will protect me from this storm." The storm starts getting even worse. His h…

A busload of people die and go to heaven. Not just any busload, because this particular group was an "ugly person support group", on their way to Disneyland. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks at them all lined up and sighs, saying "since you all had such a rough life, due to being hideous, and you died so tragically, I'll grant each of you one wish". The first person in line wastes no time in saying "I want to be gorgeous!" and plans the details of her looks. The line suddenly becomes abuz…

Girl, you must be Saint Peter... Cuz you've denied me three times already.

A cowboy appears before St. Peter. A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ri…

A young religious couple is about to get married... When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom. "Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?" Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do. …

Hilary Clinton dies While walking down the street one day a corrupt Hillary Clinton was tragically hit by a car and died. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says Hillary Clinton. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What …

Importance of Audience Father Murphy woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. He told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. The moment the Associate Priest left the room, Father Murphy headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.Setting up on the first tee,…

A man died and... A man died and went up to the Pearly Gates to stand before Saint Peter. Peter told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us *any*thing you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Well, yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a man who was being h…

Three dead men arrive at Saint Peter's gates... Saint Peter explains that before they are allowed in, they need to tell him the story of their death. The first man explains, "Well, I was having a bad day at work, so I left early and came home. When I got to my apartment, I noticed that my wife was there, and loud moans were coming from the bedroom. I thought she might have a man in there so I ran and got my hammer, and couldn't help but start shouting that I was going to kill him. I get into t…

The engineer that went to hell. One day an engineer died and went to hell. He was a good Christian man who never sinned but Saint Peter made a mistake and accidentally sent him to hell. In hell the engineer thought to himself, "gee, it sure is hot in here", and so he built some air-conditioning. Then he thought, "I sure am thirsty", and built a brewery and started making beer. Later God and Saint Peter were reviewing the list of people who had died recently and God noticed that Peter had …

Guy dies in a car crash... ...and goes up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks his name up in his book and shakes his head. "What's that mean?" the guy says. "You gotta go down," Saint Peter says. The guy gets put on an elevator and takes the ride down to hell. When the doors open, he sees a large, oval shaped room with red velvet carpet and good music playing at a comfortable level. The room is filled with a hundred or so of the best looking people the guy's ever seen, men in tuxedos, wom…

Guy dies in a plane crash... ...and when he gets to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks his name up in the book. "Ah, yes, here you are," Saint Peter says. "Says here you are Lutheran. Follow me." Saint Peter leads the guy into Heaven and into a long, white corridor. Along the corridor are heavy wooden doors, all shut. Saint Peter motions for the guy to follow and they begin a walk along the corridor. As they pass the first door, the guy hears strange singing and organ music coming from behin…

A Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're b…