New York City Jokes

"Yes, you're free now" I'm walking down the street in New York City when a black guy walking by me stops and ask, "Hey, did the Yankees win?". I ponder for a second then respond, "Yes, you're free now" and continue on my way.

So a guy is walking in New York City when he sees a penguin in the street... The man takes the penguin and goes to ask a woman police officer he sees down the road what to do. He explains to her, "Ma'am I've found this penguin wandering around just a block up the road and I was curious as what to do with it." The cop then replies, "Well, I would consider taking it to the zoo." The man says, "Ah yes, of course!" He thanks her and is on his way. The next day, the police officer sees the ma…

The American businessman and the Mexican fisherman. An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he h…

A Fancy Watch Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metrop…

An Asian guy walks into An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

An old Arab lived close to New York City... An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man…

DRINKING BUDDIES Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?" "The East Side." "The East Side? Me too! What a coi…

Joke I heard while in Hungary Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked. "Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man. Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Again, the cops merely shrug. The foreigner continues with the same result with Dutch, Russian, and German. Eventually, he leaves, knowing that there's no hope for him to communicate…

The Magic Mirror This is a rumour that a magic mirror resides in New York City. Anyone who can tell the truth in front of it is granted 3 wishes of their choosing. Anyone who tells a lie is exploded. 3 girls, a blonde, a redhead and a brunette find the mirror and try to claim their wishes. "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world!" says the brunette. She explodes on the spot. "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world!" says the redhead. She explodes on the spot. "I think-" says the…

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title ow…

Big John A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender. The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night." The man says he can handle himself, he's seen a lot, and in the big city he had to be tough. The owner continues to warn the man, "There's also a shooting about once per week..." Again the City slicker assures the bar owner that he can handl…

A Blonde Asks For A Loan A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Eve…

A blonde gets in an airplane... It is a one way flight to New York city and she sits down in the first open seat she sees. Moments later a man walks up to her and says, "umm, miss that's my seat." The blonde replies by saying, "Im blonde. Im beautiful and im going to new york." So the man goes to find a flight attendant to ask her. She goes up to the blonde and says, "mam, that is not your seat please move." To which the blonde declares, "Im blonde, im beautiful and i am going to new york." …

Donald Trump is flying over New York City He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!" His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy." Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!" His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand p…

Trying to help a friend I am trying to help a friend of mine who has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. The package includes box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 pm. Her name is Brenda. She'll be the one in the white dress.

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:…

A blonde walks into a bank A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's presid…

At the pearly gates A minister died and was waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him was a guy in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter asked the guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replied, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, New York City." Saint Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver entered Heav…

An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them …

Australian gets off the plane in New York city, gets a car but doesn't know we drive on the right. Cop pulls him over and says " did you come here to die ? " Austie says " No mate I come here yesterdie !! "

Little known fact about the Titanic. In 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment to be delivered to Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the ill fated ships next port of call after it's stop in New York City. This would have been the single largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we all know, it went down in the North Atlantic with the mighty ship. The Mexican people loved Mayonnaise so much and t…

There was once a taxi driver named Skyye... ...who frequented the taxi stands by the port and, one day, a Russian captain flagged him down. The captain wanted a good time in New York City, so Skyye took him to an early Broadway show, a couple of exceptional bars, and to see the girls at an alley gambling joint. Skyye dropped them off at the hotel around 2 AM. The captain gave him a huge tip for showing him such a good time and instructions to pick him up at 7 AM to go back to his ship. Of co…

Parking A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers…

Last year I entered the New York City marathon. ​ The race started, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" I replied, "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race. ​ (from my Dad)

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. Th…