New York City Jokes

Joke I heard while in Hungary Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.

The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City

DRINKING BUDDIES Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks

An Asian guy walks into An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says ""Fluctuations"". The Asian guy storms out

An old Arab lived close to New York City... An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden

Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

How do you know if someone grew up in New York City? Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Did you hear about the doctor in new York city? He performs circumcisions and uses the foreskins to make wallets. The best feature of the wallets is if your flight gets cancelled and you are stuck somewhere all you have to do is rub your wallet and it will turn into an overnight bag.

How does the Pope get around New York City? Mass Transit!

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you are worried, no one sees your pain. Sometimes when you are happy, no one sees your smile. But you try lighting a cigarette on a bus and see how much attention you get! The New York City subway system announced it will hire 350 more workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the number of workers cleaning the subway to . . . 350. Conan O'Brien

Two Poles were walking down a street in New York City when a sign in a shop window caught their eye. The sign said: "Suits $10, Pants $5, Shirts $4." "Hey," said one to the other, "we could clean up at these prices! We could buy all the clothes from this place and sell them at a vast profit back home in Buffalo." "It sounds like a great idea," agreed the other Pole. "There's just one thing, though. They might try and con us if they think we're Polish, so when we go into the shop I'll put on my b…

In New York City, a Scotsman and an American were discussing how far each could make a dime go. They agreed to meet up again a few days later to see who had got the most out of a dime. The Scotsman revealed how he had bought a cigar with his dime. He had smoked one-third of the cigar the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked another third the second day and saved the ashes. On the third day, he smoked the final third and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wi…

A woman from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant. "My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "here in the east we think breeding is everything." "Oh, I don't know," replied the woman from Chicago. "Where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well." It's so cold in New York City today that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in Hell. David Letterman Why …

A young New Yorker called directory inquiries. "Hello, operator," he said, "I would like the telephone number for Jane Jones in Los Angeles." The operator said: "There are multiple listings for Jane Jones in Los Angeles. Do you have a street name?" The young man said: "Well, my friends call me Bone Crusher." I really want to leave New York City, but I just put $6,000 on my Metrocard. Zach Galifianakis

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank, "You know he's…

Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives.... "I'll never amount to anything in life..", said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.." "Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?" "New York City..."