Twitter Jokes

Obviously we have our own shitty lives to worry about now but it would be fun to all move into a Twitter nursing home in 50 years.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking "ghosts" questions.

I've never skydived but I've checked Twitter on my phone while standing over a toilet. So, I get the gist.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT'S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

I'm glad twitter is new because nobody needs to see Michelangelo rt'ing every time someone mentions how majestic the Sistine Chapel is.

Facebook needs an "I've already seen this on Twitter" button.

I found out it was snowing by looking outside. WTF Twitter? You are suppossed to tell me these things first.

i'm every guy who says he's taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later

I don't think Twitter's real. I think I'm in a mall in 1987 listening to "I Think We're Alone Now" & my mind invented Twitter to protect me.

I'm in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they're both on their way to tell my husbands.

The more Twitter tells me it's over Capacity, the more I think Twitter still loves Capacity and regularly sits outside her house, weeping.

I can totally relate to the plight of the homeless. I once gave up Twitter for five whole days.

My dream job? That's easy: Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone. That's Old School Twitter.

A prickle of porcupines A murder of crows A flamboyance of flamingos A twitter of depressed, alcoholic perverts A shrewdness of apes A parla

Why did I join Twitter? Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family so I wanted to branch out.

Before Twitter, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind.

I just brushed a whole tooth without looking at twitter

I keep getting a message that "Twitter is having issues"nnGood job guys...we drove twitter crazy!

Eating a banana. Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium. But... why can't I use my teeth?

Lawrence starts cooking Lawrence checks Twitter Lawrence smells smoke Lawrence Fishburne

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here."

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said "Oh look, 12 new followers!"

Like prison, most don't learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.

My mom learning how to use twitter is like the raptors figuring out how to open doors in Jurassic Park.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.