Twitter Jokes

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family* *remembers what family is like* *quits family for Twitter*

Telling my friends that I prefer twitter over facebook is like when a white girl brought a black guy home for dinner in the '60s

*Runs across campus to get to class on time* Whew! I made it! *Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don't like people.

LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. TWITTER: No.

All I had to do to get back into Twitter was type my credit card number into some web site in Japanese! I'M BACK AMERICA!

If twitter isn't a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.

I've decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back

Instead of recommending more people to follow, Twitter should recommend that I shut this computer off & get on with my life

Twitter - We built this city on block and troll......

I just made myself a sandwich... which, if I'm understanding Twitter law correctly... makes me my own bitch.

The letter I takes up less room than the letter W yet they're both counted as one character. If Twitter was an Airline this wouldn't happen.

The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.

"Said no one ever." -Said everyone on Twitter.

[Jumps into taxi] "FOLLOW..." [taxi driver turns around excitedly] "...ME ON TWITTER" [Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

Meeting with a social media consultant about how to better leverage my twitter stream for optimum engagement. Kidding. Banging your mom.

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

What'd be worse? Zombie apocalypse or Facebook shutting down and 500 million retards all of sudden using twitter?

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

If you are following Facebook on Twitter, you have reached a new level of retarded.

My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.

I got a Jury Summons today, I'm sending them my Twitter profile to get out of it. Fingers crossed.