Twitter Jokes

What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.

if a picture's worth a thousand words, the people posting photos on twitter are going over by 860 characters

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad... Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it...

[Gets Twitter error: "Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong"] I know Twitter, I know. That's why I'm here.

Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.

People with private Twitter accounts should know that withholding their tweets is like not letting us talk to their toddler on the phone.

11:30 - Sit on toilet, open Twitter. 11:54 - Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs. 11:55 - Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.

If Twitter weren't for unconsidered blather, they wouldn't have named it after bird noises.

I have to go to twitter for my news because the news is too busy showing me tweets.

I was going to have a life but then twitter happened.

*puts kid in tub* *checks twitter* *forgets about kid* *tweets* *remembers kid* *finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*

Unscramble: pnise If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

The last time Twitter was down I was forced to speak to real people. Real people go on and on and on and on, for way over 140 characters...

TWITTER: something just isn't clicking here HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth] TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty. Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.

Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You're happy until shit explodes in your face.

Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two.

People who take things literally on twitter, stop. Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.

Are they shutting twitter down anytime soon? I need to do life stuff.

I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn't work out, but he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

I judge every book by its cover: "Too smart for me" is what I say and then look at Twitter on my phone.

Damn, girl are you Twitter? Because I can't stop staring at you and saying stupid things.

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter... Now I'm lucky if she buys cereal.

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks 'This is WAY cheaper than Asylums'