Twitter Jokes

[explaining twitter to my mom] Everyone is mad about something all the time and I'm a cartoon

Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer. Him: Mom, I'm doing my homework. Me: *claps* Star! Him: I hate Twitter. Me: *belch* blocked.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are among suitors for Twitter Will it be Twoogle ? Twindows ? The Wonderful World of Tweets ? Be prepared

Mom: Where're you going? Me: To dinner with my friends! Mom: Your friends? Me: I'm going to use McDonalds' free Wifi to get on twitter...

New neighbor: Hi. It's nice to meet you. Me: It's nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9 Neighbor: What's your Twitter @ Me: DAMMIT

My therapist asked me, "How would leaving twitter make you feel?" I replied by asking him, "How would switching therapists make you feel?"

The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

"do u have twitter" "SORRY I CAN'T HEAR U!! UR BREAKING UP" *makes fake static noises* "we're not even on the pho-" *jumps out of window*

- grabs leash - grabs phone - takes dog out for walk - pulls out phone - checks Twitter - walks dog to South America

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Minimum Wage, Maximum Rage: The life of a Twitter opinion haver

I feel like the length of my twitter name is juuuuuust wedging me out of many MANY #FF tweets #delusional

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter... So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.

"Dad, what's a sponsored tweet?" "A way for Twitter to make money, I guess. Now, pass the Metamucil with 100% Natural Psyllium Fiber."

They're creepy and they're kooky, Mysterious and spooky, They're all together ooky The Twitter Family *click click*

If Twitter was a country, its flag would just have a bunch of poop and bacon and beer on it.

[date] "don't let her know ur from twitter" Her: whats wrong? Me: This fork only has 3 prongs Her: So? Me: it should be called a threek

Can we install an *eyeroll* button on twitter?

"Your mom is over capacity." - me under my breath to twitter a second ago

"Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre-- never mind" - Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day? Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.

Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.