Twitter Jokes

Twitter birth control: airfare

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now.....

I'm not saying you're on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.

You know social media has gone too far when all your Christmas presents have twitter integration. Sent from my ugly sweater.

I spend more time on twitter than I do in church. I'd rather vent to imaginary friends on the Internet than to imaginary friends in the sky.

Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook.

I just set Twitter to post to Facebook, and Facebook to tweet to Twitter... So the internet should explode any minute now.

Sure, I'd get married. But follow him on Twitter? I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It's basically Twitter.

I'm actually surprised Sarah Palin has fewer than 200,000 Twitter followers, or, as she calls them, "Birdy-word-numberees."

Twitter is the only place where black people can follow me,and not get nervous about it

Some of the nicest women you'll meet on Twitter are men.

I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."

What good is Twitter if not to make arcane pop culture references that .0002% percent of the population will understand?

It's good Michelangelo wasn't around for twitter. Be a bummer to see him rt'ing whenever someone said how majestic the Sistine Chapel was.

It's hard to take Star Trek's vision of the future seriously since everyone's not constantly on Twitter.

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don't need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

"Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you." *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud.

Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Twitter. "...you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave..."

Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets

Cheated on Twitter with my real life today.

Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

If someone's Twitter picture has 2 or more people in it, I write a letter to my senator.

10:00pm *gets a snack* 10:01pm *turns on tv* 10:02pm *glances at twitter for 8 seconds* February

Twitter can be like talking to crazy homeless people through protective glass.