Twitter Jokes

Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all...So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.

Twitter provides the technology for my thoughts to be ignored by far more people than ever before.

Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it...after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course

"I have a dream that my children will live in a nation... not judged by the color of their skin, but by their follower count on Twitter."

Leaving Twitter for Facebook is like leaving the bar to go home.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it's trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

New users will never know about the old Twitter. I'll tell them stories of it, and how I walked uphill both ways. In the snow.

I've stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,"I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait."

Being a bigger account doesn't make you a better person. We're all terrible people. We're on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

Dear @MSNBC, if it's something that Twitter told me 6 hours ago, then lets not consider it "Breaking News"

Got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me Twitter was safe. Clearly, the app isn't reading your tweets or looking at pics

Okay you guys, I'm gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.

No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I'll just stay on Twitter.

Eventually you're going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities

DATING TIP: Girls like bad boys! Brag about your Twitter gang.

[Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Thanks to Twitter I now consider 140 characters "literature".

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don't know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

My ex just followed me on Twitter. That said: "Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary." *BLOCKED*

In the updated version of The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis figures out he's dead when he sees his name trending on Twitter.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!

Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.

Boss: I'm following you on Twitter. Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower! [Days later] Me: Oh wait. Shit.

"I have an unsolicited opinion on that!" --Every douche blanket on Twitter.