Twitter Jokes

I want to pump iron with all of Twitter. I want to spot my followers and scoff at my haters' form

I hate it when I open Twitter and miss a week of work.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

when girls are mad at you they go on twitter and rt something that is the exact reason they're mad...they find it in under a minute too

Grammar died so that Twitter could live.

Twitter should have " Throwing tomato" button.

If you're hot I'm going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.

The ruling that legal papers can now be "served" on Facebook is ridiculous. Don't they know the people they're looking for are on twitter?

Is there a Twitter acronym for "Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it"?

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

*calls mom* "Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today" *long pause* "Mom?" *mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears* "Mom?"

"I'll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter" (How I'd die in a horror movie)

Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor. We don't care...as long as there is shaking.

Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy. Unless you're on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.

If you watch Twitter backwards, it's about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.

There is simply no need to add "NSFW" in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.

The fact that twitter is at it's busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

At this point, I'm pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers

Holy crap! I can't believe it! Thanks to Twitter - I'm going to Yale! Wait a minute... Jail - I'm going to jail! Oh...

I admire the way that, even with millions of followers, celebrities on Twitter rarely succumb to the pressure to be funny.

If it weren't for twitter I wouldn't know what it feels like to go unnoticed. Just kidding, I'm married. I know exactly how that feels.

I am meeting my twitter crush in a few days and I have officially added "Please let me wind up in a trunk and not a freezer" In my prayers

Twitter is the world's largest voluntary police lineup.