I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

Justin Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever