Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever

when I grow up I want to be the guy who wears a puffy suit and gets attacked by police dogs

I'll never rob a store because I don't want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.